New Year's Eve might be the happy-fun-go-crazy party day of the year, but the morning after is nothing but pure drudgery when imbibers wake up, heads spinning, with a collective "ugh" heard around the world. It's supreme hangover day, and how utterly horrible it is.
My "ugh" just about killed me this year. After sleeping three hours, I was suddenly up and out of bed at 6 a.m., kneeling before the porcelain god, ready to spew forth Armageddon itself. Disgusting, I know. After the barf fest, I was on my back, staring at the bathroom ceiling -- dizzy, depleted and wishing I was dead. Instead of that merciful reprieve, I was subjected to the mother of all headaches, plus a twisted mess of a stomach and even some anxiety-induced sweating. The very thought of what I had drunk the night before -- vodka and champagne -- made my ghoulish insides want to unleash the full fury of grossness once again.

But could this all have been prevented? There are hangover cures, they say -- over the counter and in your own kitchen. But do they really work?

I sought out the expert opinion of a University of Minnesota doctor to get the lowdown on the science behind hangovers and the reality behind some of these "cures." Like, should I really eat a stick of butter the next morning?

Dr. David Satin, who works in family medicine and teaches at the university, said that while the science of hangovers hasn't been fully explored, a 2005 study published by the British Medical Journal is considered the "bible of hangovers" thus far. In it, doctors found that there is no one way to cure a hangover, which has multiple symptoms.

The medical term for a hangover, Satin said, is actually "veisalgia," from the Greek "-algia" meaning pain and "veis" stemming from the Norwegian word "kveis," which means "an uneasiness following debauchery." Yep, debauchery and then pain. Sounds about right.

So what's up with the uneasiness? The answer is -- a lot. Here's how it works: Once inside you, alcohol is quickly absorbed through your stomach lining and then into your bloodstream. From there it does a number of things, all of them not so nice.

Margaret Andrews, Star Tribune

It selectively dilates the blood vessels in your body -- and much of this dilation happens in your brain. "That's why you end up with a headache," Satin said. "You're putting a lot of pressure in that closed space."

Dehydration is a big factor. Alcohol is a diuretic, which causes your body to lose water, mostly through urination. "When you take in a diuretic, it sort of overrides your kidneys' normal mechanism -- it turns the kidneys stupid," Satin said. By decreasing the body's anti-diuretic hormone, alcohol tricks the kidneys into sending water to the bladder instead of retaining it. In severe dehydration, your brain shrinks away from your skull, contributing to your headache.

Alcohol is also a central-nervous-system depressant. "While you drink you tend to feel happier, but if you look at what alcohol does, it works as a drug," Satin said. "It's like Valium; it's a downer." Contributing to the overall lethargy is alcohol's effect on your blood sugar. Right after drinking, your blood sugar rises, but then it plummets, zapping your energy.

And if that weren't enough, your body also releases so-called "inflammatory molecules," which results in nausea and headaches. These are the same molecules that are released when you're sick. "We don't know why, but one could argue that the body releases inflammatory molecules to fight alcohol off like it's a poison," Satin said.

Maybe some sleep would help, right? Wrong. While most drinkers love the feeling of hitting the sack after a full night of drunkenness, the rest isn't actually doing much for you. Alcohol's depressive effect on your nervous system might make you fall asleep more quickly, but it won't be a restful night. Instead of sleeping soundly, your body is working extra hard to make up for its depressed state.

Different types of alcohol can affect your body differently, and thus can cause different hangover symptoms. Studies have found that dark-colored alcohol, such as whiskey and red wine, contains a higher concentration of congeners, a toxic byproduct of fermentation. (If you get a headache after drinking such alcohol, you might want to try vodka or gin instead.)

So if you're waging a full-fledged war on your insides every time you have a drink, what can you do about it? While experts don't think any one product can cure a hangover, Satin said, "You can target certain symptoms."

For years, drinkers have sworn by everything from greasy breakfasts to Gatorade to "the hair of the dog that bit you" (more alcohol). At right, Satin helps us trudge through a list of supposed remedies. Some apparently can help.

Beyond those homemade "cures," there's always the over-the-counter hangover pills found in drugstores and at gas stations. Maybe the most popular brand is Chaser, which uses activated calcium carbonate to filter the absorption of congeners.

Now a local company is jumping into the fray. Recently, Plymouth-based Amerilab Technologies released Drinkin' Mate, an effervescent tablet whose main ingredient is wild guava leaf extract. It can be purchased at some Holiday gas stations and Lunds and Byerly's.

Like any great "cure," Drinkin' Mate comes with an intriguing back story. Amerilab owner Fred Wehling said he basically stumbled upon the idea while in China, where business is often discussed over food and drink. During one trip, a friend mashed up some guava leaf and gave Wehling a concoction to drink.

"Lo and behold, we drank our liquor that night and I did not get as hungover and didn't get as drunk as I probably should have," Wehling said. "Which I hesitate to say, because I don't want to sound like I do my business all the time while drinking."

Back in Minnesota, Wehling's company created a formula that mixes guava leaf extract with more than 40 other ingredients. The result, he said, is a "synergistic prevention method for hangovers." The guava leaf is said to be packed with antioxidants that can fight the increased amount of oxidants created by alcohol. The guava leaf mixed with sodium bicarbonate rushes the formula into your stomach, where it is absorbed.

So does this stuff work? Is there really a cure for that most unbearable feeling? Even Drinkin' Mate's creators will tell you it depends on the person, on how much you drink, and on when you drink it.

But there's a possibility it will. Wehling said Drinkin' Mate is best described as a preventive device, taken before you drink or before you go to sleep.

I tried it a couple times, and admittedly felt fine the next morning. Still, further drinking -- er, testing -- must be completed.

But what is Drinkin' Mate worth on New Year's morning? That's a different story. For one, I don't really even want to think about that experience again (shudder). But maybe that's my own fault. I can't even remember if I took the damned thing. I was knee-deep in debauchery, followed by a lot of pain.

Ugh, indeed.

Hangover cures?

The U of M's Dr. David Satin gave us his two cents on the realities behind supposed hangover remedies. None of the them will cure all your hangover symptoms, but some may help with specific pains. Here's a rundown.

  • Soda pop: Kind of true. Coke and other soft drinks have caffeine and sugar, which are good for replenishing your energy.
  • Greasy food: True and false. A greasy meal will delay the absorption of alcohol into your stomach lining, but only if it's eaten before drinking. Eating it afterward won't help much, but the sugar and salt in the meals will help bring back the salt and blood sugar you lost.
  • Sports drinks: True. Beyond the sugar in sports drinks like Gatorade and Powerade, these products restore your body's electrolytes, which get depleted by drinking alcohol.
  • Advil (ibuprofen) and Tylenol: True. Ibuprofen is an anti-inflammatory agent that will help reduce inflammatory fluids in the bloodstream, plus it's a painkiller. But be careful, Satin said: Anti-inflammatory medicines can also give you a bleeding ulcer if you take them too often, so take them with food. Tylenol is not an anti-inflammatory, but it will help with the pain, and it's safer for your stomach. Combining alcohol with any over-the-counter pain reliever can cause liver damage, however, so consult your doctor.
  • Coffee: True and false. Caffeine in general can temper the effects of the blood-vessel constriction process. That said, caffeine will only make dehydration worse.
  • Orange juice: True and false. Orange juice has sugar, so that's good. But Satin isn't convinced that OJ's big gun, vitamin C, does much good in the immediate term.
  • Tomato juice: Could be true. "Some people think eating honey or drinking tomato juice, both rich in fructose [sugar], might help the body metabolize alcohol more effectively," Satin said.
  • Activated calcium carbonate: True. It helps to neutralize stomach acids upset by the inflamed stomach lining. But where do you get it? Tums, and hangover pills such as Chaser.
  • Burnt toast: False. Some people confuse the carbon in burnt toast with activated calcium carbonate.
  • Vitamins B and C: False. While people swear by these vitamins as ways to provide nutrients to a depleted immune system, Satin isn't convinced. The alcohol has already done its damage.
  • Bananas: True. Good for restoring potassium, which you pee out after drinking.
  • "Hair of the dog" (drinking more alcohol): False. Alcohol made you feel good the night before, and it'll do it again. But you're just delaying the inevitable. More alcohol will just put your body through the hangover process again.
  • Water: True. It'll help dehydration, one of the major causes of hangovers. "In general, we know that it's fluids, fluids, fluids," Satin said. "That's probably the one thing that is universally good."

But seriously...

Legal-age recreational drinking can be fun but can also lead to negative consequences. If you or a friend are courting alcohol abuse, please seek help.