In a frenzied time, we forgot to ask for a vote on Commenter Of the Week. So we just awarded it to Lattewarrior. We think you will be pleased with the results. Latte?
For this COW (much obliged, OBTW), I had hoped to do a Steel Panther-like “Jared Allen: Behind the Mullet” mockumentary but a) The Proprietor expressed some understandable legal concerns; and b) I couldn’t do it right in 3,000 words, much less 300. So you get this instead.
I find myself thinking about Jared Allen a lot lately. I think about his 4 and ½-sack performance against the Packers, which would have been the talk of the town if not for a graybeard quarterback bogarting all the headlines. I think about his encore in St. Louis, where he returned a fumble for a touchdown and set the pace in a lopsided win. I think about his look, which is equal parts Johnny Bravo, Mick Foley and Hot Mess. I think about his musk, which I imagine is a delicate mix of peanut dust, Copenhagen, Stetson Rich Suede cologne and diesel fuel. I think about his calf-roping sack ritual, which I’d wholeheartedly despise if Allen played for any other team than my own. I think about how the Vikings stole a game-changing defensive end from the Kansas City Chiefs like horse thieves in the night. And I think about Allen’s candidacy as an NFL MVP.
But mostly, I think about how bat-[redacted] crazy Jared Allen would have us all believe he is.
Now, Minnesota has played host to its fair share of eccentrics: Dylan, Prince, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Lew Ford, etc. But has the state ever boasted a more loveable loon than Allen? Let’s look at the evidence …
* Allen’s aforementioned sack dance is a tribute to rodeo, a sport he hopes to join after football playing days are over.
* During “Sunday Night Football” introductions, where players typically state their name, position and alma mater, Allen (who played four years at Idaho State) once said, “Jared Allen, home schooled—thanks mom!” and another time, “Jared Allen, culinary academy.”
* At his Web site, www.jaredallen69inc.com, you can visit the “SAXY” online store, where “sleeves are optional” and you can purchase a variety of Jared Allen merchandise, including a “Mullet Mullitia” T-shirt, trucker hat, and five-inch stainless steel belt buckle.
Jared Allen is a Pro Bowl defensive end, a nemesis to fashion, and a purveyor of dudesmanship worldwide, but I wonder is his on-field value overshadowed by his antics or has he charmed us into believing he’s better than he really is? I think it’s the former, but I’ll listen to contrary opinions. Thank you, and good day.