Remember how you felt at that wedding reception when Grandma polished off one too many gimlets and boogied down to "U Can't Touch This"? That same wave of nausea washed over me while enduring "Swingtown," CBS' laughable attempt to dive into the 1970s fad of spouse-swapping, which manages to be about as sexy and provocative as a bunion.
The network, home sweet home to "The Waltons" and "Murder, She Wrote," is doing its best these days to shake its stodgy reputation with programs such as "The New Adventures of Old Christine," the Julia Louis-Dreyfus vehicle that attempts to top the "Seinfeld" masturbation episode every week, and "Two and a Half Men," a hit so crude it makes Hustler magazine look like Good Housekeeping.
"Swingtown" is funnier than both those sitcoms -- for all the wrong reasons.
The pilot, which airs tonight, opens with airline pilot Tom Decker ("Melrose Place" vet Grant Show sporting the worst facial hair since Conan O'Brien's strike beard) apparently getting some, ahem, gratification from a stewardess. Turns out she's just rubbing out a coffee stain. Hardy-har-har.
No, you have to wait three more minutes for the real deal -- Tom's threesome with another flight attendant and his scheming, seductive wife, Trina (Lana Parrilla).
The series' other primary couple are Susan and Bruce Miller (Molly Parker and Jack Davenport), a middle-class, middle-brow pair who are moving to a new house. It's just a few blocks from their old pad, but you'd think they were going from Pleasantville to Hades.
Before they can settle in for their first night, the oh-so-innocent pair are invited to the Deckers' soiree and wind up in an orgy (apparently, all it takes is a quaalude to unleash the inner pervert in us all).
I should mention that all the action occurs around July 4, 1976. Yep, the nation's 200th birthday -- the ultimate Independence Day.
