It's hard to explain the appeal of the Minnesota State Fair to outsiders. The tradition. The novelty. The utter filled-with-glee dizzying experience of watching people drag wagons of screaming, Sweet Martha's Cookie-stained toddlers. The fleeting photo ops that come from sucking on the year's newest deep-fried thing wrapped in another deep-fried thing on a stick. And the profound learning experiences that come from Photoshopped meth mouths and Carter-era first-aid illustrations in the 4H Building. Yes, it's that magical, ye Outsider.

And once you get sucked in to this funhouse, getting out requires one year's supply of free yardsticks, 4,283 pounds of corn-dog grease and a killer Garrison Keillor tale from Lake Wobegon. Good luck.

So what's so great about this year's fair? Everything. But here are just a few of our favorite things.

Best State Fair Tradition You Might Not Know: Ye Old Mill

This 96-year-old lover's lane/WTF faux-river ride is a must-see State Fair original. Who knows how many secrets of long, wet kisses --or how much wayward corn-dog batter --are held in the dewy cinderblock walls of this mostly pitch black and entirely perfect "ride." This thing, which uses little red wooden boats and water that looks like it's been filled with Easter Egg dye, has been around since the Wright Bros. first sailed in a biplane. That's, like, really ye old and stuff. But don't get stuck in a liplock in the dark, dank trail for too long. You might miss the wonderfully inexplicable one-dimensional dioramas of Bambi, Christmas gifts and a milk carton.

  • Southwest corner of Carnes Av. & Underwood St

Best New Food: Caprese on a stick

Sure, you could go the traditional route and go for the litany of new fried and/or totally extreme foods at the Fair. This year's button-busting items include the deep-fried banana split (only at Ole and Lena's, of course), the peach-glazed pig cheeks from Famous Dave's, or the pot roast sundae from the Butcher Block. But those seem so, you know, like artery jam for the common hungry man. Why not go for something a little more heart-soothing between the pounds of grease?

The Caprese salad on a stick at the Eco Experience is made with fresh basil, mozzarella, cherry tomatoes and a dash of olive oil and balsamic vinegar. That's right: Healthy food on a stick has landed at the fair. Which means the whole world has been turned upside down. Just like that super weird Magnum P.I. ride in the Midway.

Margaret Andrews, Star Tribune
Midway ride

  • Eco Experience in the Progress Center • east end Randall Av

Best Way to Get Schooled: Trash Mountain

Another new addition and possible tradition at the growing Eco Experience exhibit includes a giant mountain of trash. Sound exciting? It is. That's because this pile o' garbage is an education exhibit that details exactly where all of your recycling winds up. And guess what? Much of it went into the new Interstate 35W Bridge. A lot of our old appliances and used cans -- approximately 40,000 tons of cans -- went to the St. Paul company that turned our recycled goods into steel for the bridge. And this stink-free debris will teach you another thing or two about how to reduce your own waste. Did you know, for example, that every Minnesotan produces about one ton of garbage a year? And that's not including your bad first-date banter.

  • Eco Experience in the Progress Center • east end Randall Av

Best Celebrity Spotting: Crop art

Catching a glimpse of Dave Pirner eating a funnel cake doesn't quite count as celebrity spotting. But seeing Peter Jennings, John Denver, Hello Kitty or a curmudgeonly Darth-Vader-inspired Dick Cheney come to life in seed form is pure magic. From super-subversive political imagery (Bush as, what else? A monkey!) to touching images of man's recently deceased best friend, these wonderful portraits are born in seeds, wheat, barley, flax, corn, soybeans, alfalfa, pinto beans and so much more. This year's fine-art crop works include a nod to Precious Moments, cigar-chomping RNC posturing, poet Bill Holm and other celebrated and divisive figures.

  • Agriculture Horticulture Building • northeast corner of Underwood St. & Judson Av

Best New and Weird Thing We Totally Didn't Make Up: The Go Girl

"F.U.D" is a commonly used acronym for "fear, uncertainty and doubt." And there is plenty of F.U.D. when it comes to the Go Girl, a plastic, ear-like backward-cervix-looking contraption that seals onto a woman's down-there area to act as a FUD, or in this case, a female urination device. That's right, ladies. Step right up to the lower Grandstand to check out this pink pee partner, which allows you to pee standing up -- the dream you've always had. You can throw it away after you use it (because tossing plastic is so environmentally conscious, right?) or you can rinse and reuse this little pee pal and never have to deal with the total pain-in-the-ass chore of sitting down on a toilet ever again.

You see, Sir Outsider, it's true what Garrison Keillor says about Lake Wobegon. The children in wagons are all above average -- and often larger than average. All the men are good-looking -- or at least think they are in T-shirts with backs that read, "If You Can Read This, Then the Bitch Fell Off." And the women are strong -- so strong that they can even pee standing up.