Q: I recently picked my daughter up from her father's, only to hear her call out the car window as we left, "Bye, Mom!" I did my best to cover up my shock. I do not want my child calling anyone else "Mom." What's good ex-etiquette?
A: It's rare that a mom easily accepts her child calling someone else "Mom." My usual response is that the bonus parent and child come up with name that means something special to them. A reader sent me a great story a few years ago that beautifully demonstrates how to do just that:
"My fiancé and I went on a beach trip 10 months into dating. He has one child who was 5 at the time. During the trip she started calling me "Mom." I assumed it was because we were filling mom/daughter roles while on vacation. My fiancé and I didn't correct her, but three months later at Halloween the child's bio-mom dropped her by so we could see her all dressed up. While taking a picture with her bio-mom, she called out, "Now I want to take a picture with my other mom." It didn't go over well. I definitely understood bio-mom's feelings and was content choosing an alternate name.
"We struggled to find a suitable name. I didn't want to be "mommy Joyce" because that's still calling me mom. I'm not her Aunt or Grandma, so 'Auntie' or 'Nana' seemed odd. About a month later my fiancé said, "What about Mare? Mare (pronounced Ma-Ray) means 'ocean' in Italian. She first called you Mom when we were at the beach, it only seems appropriate." The name and the meaning behind it touched me, and I told him it was even better than being called Mom!"
This is a perfect example of how to handle this situation. It doesn't have to be a variation of Mom or Dad. The reader reports that bio-mom was grateful for their attempt and has just invited her to a "get to know one another" lunch. What better situation for a child than to be brought up witnessing the adults in her life respecting one another. That is truly good ex-etiquette.
Jann Blackstone is founder of bonusfamilies.com.
