Q: My ex and I have been split up for over a year. We share an 8-year-old son. Recently, when it's time to go to his father's house my son throws a tantrum, so I have canceled the past two visits. His father is furious and tells me I should make him go. I don't agree. What's good ex-etiquette?
A: Good ex-etiquette is to understand that your son needs both parents and unless he's not safe with his father for some reason, it's your responsibility to reinforce dad's efforts to be a good dad.
Let's put this into perspective. If your child said he didn't want to clean his room, would you say, "That's fine, honey," or would you "make" him clean his room? How about homework or going to school? You wouldn't have any trouble "making" him go. But when it comes to going to the other parent's home, for some reason divorced parents feel it's OK to leave their children to their own devices.
How you encourage your child to spend time with the other parent makes all the difference. Saying something like, "Try to make the best of it, honey, you'll be home soon," just continues to undermine the other parent. If you really want to help your child cope with going back and forth, try something like. "Honey, this is your time with Daddy and I know he's looking forward to seeing you."
Of course, parents should always ask, "Why?" if a child balks when visiting their other parent, particularly if a child liked visiting, then all of a sudden stopped wanting to go. But this doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong at the other home. It's an indicator that the parents have to talk to each other and compare notes. When parents put their own interests aside and reach out to each other for the sake of their children, that's co-parenting at its finest — and that's good ex-etiquette.
