Q: I am involved in a relationship with a man (we are both 58 years old) who has been divorced for five years. His 30-year-old daughter, her husband and two children live with him in the family home; I do not live at the same address. However, his ex-wife comes over to visit his daughter and grandchildren. I am not comfortable with this. I think he should tell his ex-wife that she can't come to his home. His daughter is quite capable of visiting her mother in her home.

A: This is a difficult one because I see your point — the daughter could go over to her mother's home if she wants to visit — and probably does. However, there are some extenuating circumstances:

First, this is the family home which "mom" lived in for years while her daughter grew up. Both probably feel comfortable in the home and think nothing of the other visiting.

Second, this family is obviously very close, and the fact that mom and dad are divorced has not damped that closeness. They already have an established way of interacting, which is evidently more casual than you would like. However, if you ask them to stop doing something they all feel comfortable doing, you run the risk of alienating your guy's daughter and as a result, your guy. A good ex-etiquette rule of thumb: "Respect each other's turf." That means you respect his space and lifestyle and he respects yours. Expecting each other to change is a recipe for failure.

If this was a first-time romance with no children or grandchildren to consider, the rules could be more cut and dried. Under those circumstances it would be inappropriate for the ex to visit your boyfriend's home. Add children and grandchildren and a 20-plus-year marriage, and things aren't that cut and dried. History changes everything.

History, however, is not license to be insensitive to a new partner. Another ex-etiquette rule: "Set clear boundaries," it's up to dad (your guy) to be clear about what he feels is appropriate in his home.

But you have a right to be happy as well, and if a close relationship with an ex is a deal breaker for you, own it and accept that the solution may be to move on. Don't be miserable and expect a family to change to meet your needs.

E-mail Jann Blackstone at drjannblackstone@gmail.com.