Q: How do I get past the fact that my live-in boyfriend still wants to hang with his daughter's mother for special occasions? His daughter just graduated the eighth grade and I had to endure a celebration from hell. Family from both sides were there reminiscing about stuff I had no interest in; I felt like a complete outsider and this guy expects me to accept all this and live with him. I have no children, but I would like to start a family. Am I off base here? What's good ex-etiquette?

A: You are coming from two different places, and unless you have a meeting of the minds, it's simply not going to work out. Living with someone who has children is not like "first time" relationships. Many of the rules you are expecting, like leaving the past behind and starting fresh with you, have a different face.

He may be able to start fresh from the standpoint that you are his life partner, but his past will also linger. He has young children and they will be a priority. With his children come their mother, and although she may not be part of your everyday lives, she will most likely be present for milestones, like graduations, as well as her extended family.

Two graduation parties are an alternative, but if that wasn't in the cards before you got there, making it happen now will be a problem. It will appear to be all your fault, and resentment is sure to set in. You may not care if you upset the ex or even his child, but your guy is in the middle of it.

So here's the good news. It sounds as if he's trying to integrate you into the fold if you have been invited to celebrate with his daughter and extended family, so he's doing what he can do. If this is something you can accept, and be a positive influence, then you're fine. If it's not, if you're looking for that first time everything, he's not the guy for you.

For example, if you have kids together, he will want to integrate your kids with the kids he already has — they will be siblings. He will not like your kids best. He will want to celebrate special milestones when his kids are scheduled to be with him. His life is a juggling act. You will always be checking with someone else to coordinate efforts, to plan special occasions, holidays and life in general. If you felt the graduation party was the celebration from hell, that will be your life, and your attitude will color the occasion.

It's up to you, really. He doesn't have much choice in the matter. He is putting his kids first. You can help or you can hinder.

Jann Blackstone is the author of "Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation" and the founder ofbonusfamilies.com.