Q: School is starting in a few weeks, and my son will be attending a new school. His mother and I just broke up; we have to sell the house and move. Do you have any tips to make changing schools easier on my son and on his mother and me?

A: Because the first rule of good ex-etiquette is put the children first, let's start with your son. Put yourself in his shoes. His parents are breaking up. He has to move, give up his room and everything familiar, change schools and leave his friends. His whole life is turning upside down. Start by being patient. Understand that he may appear disorganized and distracted. He may even digress educationally. Do your best to help him stay organized by being organized yourself. Have a set schedule that he can follow so he knows what to expect. Try to be on time so he is not chastised at school for being late. These kinds of things will help him adjust more easily.

Next, schools have been facing the confusion brought on by divorce or separation for years. Kids often live in two houses and have more than one adult picking them up or dropping them off. A pet peeve of noncustodial parents is that they never know what is happening in their child's classroom. And if their ex is uncooperative, it can be like playing twenty questions to get some information.

The best approach to staying in contact with a child's school is to take the initiative to write a letter or e-mail to both the teacher and the principal explaining your living situation.

The letter might say something like:

"My name is Joseph Smith. My son's name is Steve Smith. Steven's mother's name is Joyce Jones. Joyce and I are divorced, but we share custody of Steve. Joyce has remarried. Her husband's name is Bob Jones. I just wanted to clarify the players to make sure that we receive information about Steve's schooling at both of his homes. (Offer the child's schedule, include both addresses, e-mail addresses and contact phone numbers. Include the names and contact numbers of bonus parents if they help with child care, but do not list them as the biological parent. Very bad ex-etiquette.) Please make sure you have this information on record."

Don't take for granted that the school will remember this information from year to year. The teachers change, even principals change. Write this sort of letter each year to make sure your child's new teacher has all the pertinent information.

It is important to note that "joint legal custody" allows both parents to sign legal documents or school permission slips for their children. Some schools accept the bonus parents' signature as an indicator that the parent has been notified and permission has been granted. It is a good idea, however, to have documentation on file at the school that grants the bonus parent permission to sign papers or drop off and pick up the children.

E-mail Dr. Jann Blackstone her at drjannblackstone@gmail.com.