Q: I have a 4-year-old daughter. I've been separated from her father for two years. He has not been in the picture, but since I now have a fiancé, he now wants to spend time with our daughter. My fiancé doesn't want him to see her in our house. What's good ex-etiquette?

A: It's understandable that your fiancé doesn't want your ex hanging around the house, especially if he hasn't been around for a while. Kids aren't the only ones who have to get used to a new parenting plan. Custodial parents and their partners who have stepped up to the plate often have trouble letting go when a wayward parent shows up.

The main concern is that your daughter is 4 and if Dad is not truly committed, his reappearing now will really set her life upside down. If he starts, then disappears again, the likelihood of your daughter — and your fiancé, if he's invested — being tolerant is close to none. It's sort of make it or break it time.

You have to have a frank conversation with your ex. Don't blame his newfound interest on your fiancé being around; use the best interest of your daughter as the center of your reasoning.

Say, "Our daughter is 4. She hasn't seen you in two years. If you would like to see her I would like you to start out slowly and on a set schedule." Then lay out the parenting plan you suggest. Dad and daughter need to get reacquainted, and to expect her to warm up to Dad quickly isn't fair. There are lots of places your child's father can see her other than your home. A public place may make her feel more comfortable. I would also give Dad solid boundaries, "You miss two visits without warning, and that's the end of the visits." So there is no question about your agreement, put any parenting plan you agree upon in writing. Don't be afraid of going to court for that help.

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