Q. It seems every chance my ex gets he's telling my son what a terrible person I am. I had an affair and we broke up. It's gotten to the point where my son refuses to see him, and of course my ex thinks I'm the one putting our son up to it. I am not, and I don't know how to get it through to his father that the bad-mouthing is hurting our son. How do I get him to stop?

A. Asking how to stop bad-mouthing is one of the most common questions I'm asked. When I have confronted parents I've been told everything from, "It's no big deal, they will forget" to justifications because they think their children should understand what a miserable louse their father or mother really is.

Children don't forget, and having the sense that your parent is a louse rarely helps a child to grow up secure and at peace. Some children feel they have to protect the victim of the bad-mouthing and stop wanting to interact with the other parent. Others become alienated, just as the bad-mouthing parent had hoped. Either way, it's very difficult to overcome the damage, and unless the other parent is severely mentally ill, abusive or active in addiction, a child is rarely better off without him or her.

How do you get your ex to stop? I've found education is the only answer. For example, you can initiate counseling for your son and the counselor can integrate dad into your son's therapy. Dad can then hear firsthand what his bad-mouthing is doing.

Finally, I have not seen a court stop a child from seeing a parent because he or she has had an affair. I have seen a court refuse visits because the parent so severely bad-mouthed the other that it was determined to be emotional abuse.

The main goal is to love your child more than you hate the ex. If you can't do that, it's not in the child's best interest to visit until you can.