Q: My wife's two children, ages 14 and 16, live with her ex in another country. I'm in the U.S. for work for the next two years and my wife agreed to come with me. The kids will be with us during the summer. I don't care if my wife talks to her children, but I don't like it when she talks to her ex. I think she talks to him too much — a couple times a week — and I told her so. She has continued and now I have forbidden her to call. She will barely talk to me. Is it right for my wife to talk to her ex so often?

A: It sounds to me as if your wife is trying to juggle her commitments. She married you and had to make the choice of either staying with her children or going with her husband, and she chose you.

And, it appears you may be from the school of "once you break up, you don't talk," or talk infrequently. Add in some cultural differences while living in the U.S., and you have the potential for disaster. Forbidding her to call was a bad move. Not only have you stopped the interaction with the ex, you've stopped the interaction with her children.

I have a real problem with the word "forbid." I come from a place where partners are equals. I understand there may be a cultural consideration here, but even if this is accepted behavior in your country of origin, it sounds as if your wife doesn't agree if she's barely talking to you.

Your original question was basically, "Is it good ex-etiquette for my wife to talk to her ex two times a week?" I think so — if they are talking about the children. She's in another country and I suspect she feels quite disconnected from the kids. What probably happens is she calls the kids and then chats with their dad, but if that's not the case and she's talking with him about other things — like she's homesick or how much she misses him — then there's a problem. But "forbidding" her to call won't cure this problem. Forbidding her contact, rather than ensuring she will stay with you, may actually drive her away.

Don't let your anger, hurt, or fear be your guide. Ex-etiquette rule No. 7: "Use empathy when problem solving." Put yourself in her shoes. Do you understand how torn she might feel? Ex-etiquette rule No. 8: "Be honest and straight­ forward." That's a great place to start when discussing your mutual expectations. Don't be afraid to seek out the help of a therapist.

Jann Blackstone is the founder of bonusfamilies.com.