Q: My ex and I broke up two years ago and we share our 5-year-old's time. My ex will not allow me to talk to our child when he is with him. I want to buy a cellphone for my child so I can talk to him at his father's, but his father says that's a stupid idea. What's good ex-etiquette?
A: Good ex-etiquette rule No. 1 is, "Put the children first," but it doesn't sound like that's what either of you is doing. If Dad is stonewalling phone calls it may be because he feels you're interfering with your child's time with him. Your child may miss you as much as you miss him. Constant phone calls to Dad's home when your child is there may actually upset your child. Meanwhile, you get frustrated with not talking to your child, so you actually call more, which frustrates Dad even further. He digs in his heels and you don't talk to your child for three days.
The ultimate goal is for your son to feel secure and loved in both homes, and that's up to both of you to stop the nonsense and take care of him — together. Ex-Etiquette rule No. 9 is "Respect each other's turf." He has the right to speak to either of you when he is with the other parent, and both of you have the right to have uninterrupted time with him. Hopefully your parenting agreement addresses communication with Mom when the child is with Dad and vice versa. When parents can't communicate, and it sounds like you and Dad fall into this category, a time for the call is assigned, say 7 p.m. each night, so the child can be ready. If he misses the call, a message should be left. This eliminates the pressure of constant calls, allows the custodial parent to have free time with the child, and the noncustodial parent to touch base.
