A quick note of protest to President Donald Trump, from my large and very good dog.
Dear Large Human President:
I do not usually pay attention to human politics. I prefer more pleasant things, like sniffing my friends’ butts or rolling on a dead bird in the backyard or eating things that will make me throw up.
Mainly sniffing butts.
Anyway, I am writing because I have noticed that you keep comparing human beings to dogs. I know this because I hear the TV news humans talking about it on almost every station. (I no longer watch Fox News because, after many years of waiting, I have yet to see a single fox I can bark at.)
I asked my human to collect a sample of the times you have called people dogs, and he did so while I barked at a squirrel. (I hate squirrels. Can you please deport them?)
Just this week, you described Omarosa Manigault Newman, a human female person who worked for you, as “that dog.”
You also sent the following things on Twitter, which is something my human stares at when he should be scratching me behind my ears or taking me outside to bark at stupid terrorist squirrels:
“Mitt Romney had his chance to beat a failed president but he choked like a dog.”
“DavidGregory got thrown off of TV by NBC, fired like a dog!”
“EWErickson got fired like a dog from RedState and now he is the one leading opposition against me.”
“BrentBozell, one of the National Review lightweights, came to my office begging for money like a dog.”
“Ted Cruz lifts the Bible high into the air and then lies like a dog — over and over again!”
You also called a female human named Arianna Huffington “a dog.”
On behalf of myself and my friends, I must protest. You seem to be using the word “dog” as an insult. I do not think that makes sense.
For example, I know that I am a very good dog. I know this because my human says so all the time, and even asks me to confirm his statement.
He’ll ask, “Who’s a good dog?” And I will wag my tail very hard and respond, “Oh! Oh! It’s me! It’s definitely me!”
And then, because he is very thorough and does not like to make mistakes, he will double-check. “Who’s a gooooood dog?” he’ll say.
And I will then begin to prance a bit and sometimes spin in a circle while still wagging my tail very hard and I’ll say, “IT’S ME, IT’S ME, IT’S ME! I AM VERY DEFINITELY THE ONE WHO IS A GOOD DOG!!”
I am also very loyal. I will follow my human anywhere and I love him so much I can barely stand it. Dogs are loyal and beautiful and loving, except to squirrels and sometimes cats, although that whole relationship is rather misunderstood because we really just want to sniff their butts.
I think you are calling people dogs because you think that makes them less than human. My human says that’s something that “fascists” do. I don’t know what that means, but it makes me think you are not being a good boy.
It is also seems like you are not being smart. Because dogs are wonderful and intelligent and filled with love, and I do not think you were trying to call Omarosa or Mitt Romney or Ted Cruz or any of those other humans wonderful or intelligent or loving.
I think you were trying to be mean and insulting. And that makes me want to growl.
Bad large human president! Bad!
I understand you are the first president since William McKinley to not have a dog. That’s weird. You don’t have any animal friends, and that makes me suspicious.
In conclusion, and on behalf of all good dogs, I request that you stop referring to humans as dogs and start realizing that humans and dogs are both great and deserve respect and lots and lots of Milk-Bones. (Preferably peanut-butter-flavor.)
Thank you, and please consider my suggestion that you deport the squirrels. I really think they’re up to something.