Born out of a series of Tweets by commenter @RandBallsStu, an idea by your humble proprietor and a sick thirst to rile up Packers fans for no good reason, we present, "The Increasingly Lost Season." In this series, now entering its second year, Stu chronicles the Packers' misfortunes as they tumble back toward Randy Wright-esque putridity. Stu?
As predicted in this space last week, the Packers’ increasingly lost 2013 season began with a defeat at the hands of the far-superior San Francisco 49ers on Sunday, losing by the deceptively close score of 34-28. As also predicted, their “defense” (sorry, but we’ll use scare quotes about this slipshod unit until they hold a team below 30 points, so get used to it) was an abomination, allowing Colin Kaepernick to pass all over them to the tune of 412 yards, 3 TDs and no interceptions. Anquan Boldin, the oldest living survivor of the Battle of the Bulge*, caught 13 passes for 208 yards.
I need to remind you, the reader, that Green Bay spent the entire offseason preparing for this game, against a team that HUMILIATED them in the playoffs, and they STILL got waxed. I also need to remind you that they geared up for this not by jettisoning the defensive coordinator, but rather by sending him to night school. But no, really, Ted Thompson is a super genius and we should be grateful he deigns to walk among us, the mere rabble.
In another sadly predictable event, sports entertainment personality Clay Matthews launched himself at Kaepernick and tackled him by the neck when the latter was well out of bounds. While he’s been roundly condemned for his thuggery, I suppose it’s possible that when the opponent is an elite QB instead of dandruff or an impossibly lonely bachelor’s empty apartment wall, Matthews just doesn’t know how to respond.
That said, it wasn’t all doom and gloom for the Pack. The undersized Aaron Rodgers, while thoroughly outclassed by Kaepernick, did manage to keep Green Bay in the game. Eddie Lacy averaged less than 3 yards/carry, maintaining that all-important continuity with the running games of seasons past. And Jordy Nelson didn’t get hurt! So, as far as moral victories go, the Pack is undefeated, when you think about it.
This week, Green Bay has their home opener in Daunte’s House/Lambeau Field, taking on Washington in a battle of 2013 playoff teams that are grasping for answers after Week 1 beatings. Robert Griffin III’s continued recovery from his knee injury evens the playing field for the overmatched defense, and the aging Rodgers may be able to continue waking up the echoes against a defense that Chip Kelly softened up for him.
A win at home is certainly not guaranteed, but at least, say, 30% possible. As another increasingly lost season begins, that’s as good as it’s likely to get.
*This is not an Eddie Lacy joke.