Coming to terms with our weird relationship with money

We spend a lot of time talking with our clients about how to not spoil their children and why their children have a weird relationship with money. Here's why: because they do. And you do. And I do. And so does everyone.

The people who don't think that they have a weird money relationship are similar to the people who say out loud, "I don't talk to myself."

Let's not get defensive, let's make our own weirdness less impactful to those around us.

In the book, "The Price of Privilege, How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids," Madeline Levine writes: "When money becomes overly important, it crowds out other goals, endeavors, and interests; work, friendship, marriage, hobbies, parenting, spiritual development, and intellectual challenges can all fall by the wayside."

The key is the role money plays in our lives, and we bear witness all day, every day.

One of our clients experiences a consistent frustration with bailing out their adult children. The children live far beyond their means, but are creative about making excuses why this particular year was simply a bad financial year. Enough of those consecutive bad years and the children will end up with a bad financial life.

There are two problems here — the parents and the children. But the problem doesn't start with giving the money to the kids, it starts with why they are doing so. And the kids' issue isn't about living beyond their means, it is about why they are doing so. Money has misappropriated a legitimate values system and replaced it with materialism.

If they understand why they are doing so, they can become more comfortable with the choice or even change it. Access to money has inadvertently allowed them to crowd out other things that would be helpful for them to work on.

The children are no better. They willingly take handouts while making excuses for why they can't support their extravagant lifestyle. The pain of understanding their choices is greater than the discomfort in continuously asking (directly and indirectly) for support. No matter what else is happening in the parent/adult child relationship, money has pulled up a chair to all of their interactions.

Fundamentally, the challenges around our relationships with money are internal challenges. As we need external approval for validation, we creep further from the internal motivations that are rewarding in and of themselves.

We may get stuck in situations because we are trying too hard to fit where we don't belong. And we have a hard time stepping away because of the perceived embarrassment it may cause. It is only our internal compass that can see us through these challenges.

One of our clients made a significant gift to charity for a space to which their name was attached. While they felt great that they were in a position to make the gift, they ultimately felt awkward about their public proclamation of that gift. Again, their discomfort may have come from a number of different places, but ultimately they realized that they were much happier donating without fanfare.

"Raising children has come to look more and more like a business endeavor and less and less like an endeavor of the heart," writes Levine. "We are overly concerned with the bottom line of how our children do rather than who our children are."

But if that's the case, then we are also overly concerned with the bottom line of what we do rather than who we are. Our discomfort is based on some measure of success that may forever elude us. And we pass that angst to the next generation to endure.

Put down the newspaper and grab a pen or computer and take five minutes to write about the role that money is playing in your life and whether you wish that relationship to continue as is. It won't necessarily make your money relationship less weird, but it will make you more aware of its effect on you.