Each week commenter Clarence Swamptown sends us the UNVARNISHED TRUTH according to him, we clean it up to avoid trouble, and you still laugh. Let's try it again, shall we? Clarence: ----------------

A few months ago I offered a rant on the Minnesota Wild, and presented a scenario for how our local NHL club could become slightly more watchable. My conjectured scenario involved the Atlanta Thrashers relocating to Winnipeg and creating a domino-effect divisional realignment that would put away games back in our time zone and reunite Minnesota with our old Norris Division rivals.

Those Atlanta-to-Winnipeg rumors have been around for years, and they are usually debunked as quickly as they start. More recently, the latest gossip actually has a different financially struggling team - the Phoenix Coyotes - moving to Winnipeg. Obviously none of these rumors have ever been confirmed. In a Clearance Clarence exclusive, I am here to tell you that before the end of the NHL season the Atlanta Thrashers will move to Winnipeg. The team will be sold to Canadian media conglomerate and play next season in the MTS Centre. It's all over but the shouting, and minor paperwork. I will not reveal my sources. Even if Russo is all Clarence, who are your sources!?!! I'll go all Woodward and Bernstein on his {redacted} and clam up. Just know that this information is as solid as any rumor-confirmation-from-a- lightweight-semi-anonymous-weekly-guest-post-blog-commenter can be. That and $8.50 will get you a premium beer at the Xcel Energy Center. * Outstate Bar of the Week: Dangerous Curves, Boyd, Minnesota. What is the bar famous for? Boyd, Minnesota is located straight west of the Twin Cities, near the South Dakota border. Half of the building is a regular bar, and the other half is an 18-and-over gentlemen's club. I swear I have never been in the naughty half. I swear. I would tell you guys. Can I watch the game there? Yes, in the bar side. I'm not sure about the naughty side, like I said, I've never been in there. You guys still don't believe me. Can I watch the NASCAR race there? Of course. Do they have a website? Yes, but trust me, it's NSFW. I logged on with my new phone and the introductory video could be heard 7 cubicles over. Wasn't expecting that. My new phone takes WAY too long to turn off. What bar games are available? According to another RandBall guest post writer who shall remain nameless, this bar used to be called Dr. Ruth's Gentlemen's Club (possibly the most 1980's name of a bar ever). Nameless also claims that Dangerous Curves once featured a one-armed dancer. You don't need any bar games when you have that. * Internet Link of the Week Posted Without Further Commentary: A Canadian media member will be attending his first ever NCAA Frozen Four hockey tournament in St. Paul, and although every participating team is at least somewhat Canadian (except for Air Force, of course), he is pulling for the University of North Dakota because they are the most Canadian. * Country & Western Song of the Week: Back of Your Hand, by Dwight Yoakam. * Manure Smell Power Rankings, Part Two: Yesterday RandBall featured a story about NBA commissioner David Stern's incensed and threatening speech at the 2011 NBA All-Star game, claiming he knows "where the bodies are buried" if the NBA players choose to lockout. Last week RandBall ran a story about the NFL players union justifiably hoping to cut commissioner Roger Goodell out of their lockout negotiations altogether. MLB commissioner Bud Selig's mis-steps are self-evident. NHL commissioner Gary Bettman's mis-steps are legendary. Being a commissioner is probably a difficult job. Balancing the needs of owners, players, agents, television executives, and advertisers - each with their own competing set of interests - must be demanding. But even though Kenesaw Mountain Landis was a noted baby-puncher, I am hard-pressed to remember a time in American history when professional sports has had such a collection of unlikable commissioners. It's like they're having some sort of weird contest to see who can keep their job. Your job, in the comments below, is to rank the current commissioners. Show your work. I'll start: 1. Gary Bettman: He took my favorite sport - hockey - and turned it into an over-expanded, clutch-and-grab 60-minute sleeping pill that's nearly unwatchable if, you know, you could actually find it on television. He might actually be a nice guy, but his crimes against the sport are inexcusable. 2. David Stern: His master plan to create six all-star teams and twenty-four perennial also-rans is progressing nicely. I have a laundry list of conspiracy theories regarding David Stern. Some of them are crazy, none of them are provable, and all of them would be deleted. So let's just move on. 3. Roger Goodell: Roger Goodell wants you to believe that NFL owners are losing money. Vikings' punter Chris Kluwe sums that up perfectly here. 4. Bud Selig: He presided over the steroid era, the league's competitive imbalance is still a glaring issue, and I will never forgive him for trying to contract the Twins. But I'll admit that baseball is still in pretty good shape. His place on this list is more of an indictment on the other commissioners than anything. Your thoughts on the Atlanta Thrashers, Dr. Ruth, and the commissioner power rankings are welcome in the comments below. FREE WALLY.