Commenter Clarence Swamptown will delight you with his borderline inappropriate takes on just about anything in life. He's been doing this for almost exactly a year now, and we have to think almost everyone agrees his weekly segment has been a great addition to this blog. As always, his thoughts on sports and life in general do not necessarily reflect those of RandBall or the Star Tribune. Clarence?

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I had never been to a Vikings (or Gophers) football game in person, ever, and last night was certainly an odd way to initiate myself with the experience. I typically prefer watching Vikings games in the comfort of my own home because my cheapness and apathy are legendary, and ticket availability, parking, and the insipid Metrodome are usually enough to keep me away. But a friend offered a free ticket, another friend offered his free U of M faculty parking pass, and the historical circumstances were simply too much to pass up. I am struggling to articulate in this limited space exactly what last night's game was like. Basically it was the 1889 Oklahoma land rush combined with a U.N. helicopter food drop into a Haitian refugee village combined with a really horse{redacted} football game. It was chaos, and apart from the game itself, it was awesome. The game was terrible, and I don't really want to talk about it. Let's start with the pregame. After a 2-hour curse-filled commute I met some friends early for pregame warm-ups. I sat next to a large gregarious gentleman, and embarrassingly it took me almost 2 hours to realize I was sitting next to former Viking offensive lineman David Dixon. He is roughly the size and shape of a Metro Transit bus shelter. At 5 p.m. they opened the stadium's lower bowl to lower level season ticket holders on a first-come, first-serve basis. Theoretically this process should have been orderly and civil, and for the most part it was. I only saw a handful of toddlers and women tossed aside in Costanza-like fashion. As far as I could tell, the stadium entry process went much better than expected. Once inside the stadium, we scoped out some seats in the extreme upper second level above the end zone. The snow in this area had not been removed, and although I may have been suffering from high-altitude hallucination I'm pretty sure I gave a jumping chest bump and exploding knucks to Sir Edmund Hillary when we reached our row. The people drawn to this remote outpost of the stadium were like the sketchy pioneers drawn to the frontier lawlessness of Deadwood, S.D. Although the area was littered with empty half-pints and the smell of various types of smoke, everyone was relatively well-behaved. We only saw two arrests. I met the proprietor for the first time when Mr. Rand and his Sherpa guide Omu made the trek to our section. After a big play fans would throw handfuls of snow into air, which was truly beautiful and I hope the splendor translated to television. Other arbitrary items of note: Cris Carter held on tightly to Ragnar's waist as they sped across the field on a snowmobile during a random timeout. Some rube ran onto the field and got his {redacted} throttled by security. The Top 50 Vikings ceremony was pretty cool. After the game we met Mr. Rand for a few beverages, and we mostly talked about what you guys are really like in person. Not surprisingly, you guys are weirdos. Actually we talked a lot about how bad the Vikings are and how quickly a good team can spiral and crumble in the current NFL. But like I said, I don't really want to talk about the Vikings. The game was a unique experience, everyone had a blast regardless of the outcome, and I am glad I went. * Country & Western Song of the Week: In an effort to combine Randball's terrific Page 2 Top 5 segment, the award-winning "Today's Unimpeachably Great Song (TUGS)" on randballsstu's Twitter account, and the decidedly average Clearance Clarence Country & Western Song of the Week, I have been asking various commenters to provide their Top 5 C & W songs of all time. This week we feature Illinois Gopher Girl (née Arizona Gopher Girl): ______________________________ Via Illinois Gopher Girl: Five Awesome Country & Western Songs – Old School Uterine-American Edition (Not Top 5, Because Who Could Pick?) 1) Coal Miner's Daughter by Loretta Lynn – Not actually one of my favorites, but this autobiographical hit was the number one song on the Billboard country charts when Randballsstu was born, 40 years ago this week. I've never actually met Stu, but I imagine his childhood in Hector, MN, to have been similar to how Lynn describes hers in Butcher Holler, WV. Happy Birthday, Stu! 2) I Fall to Pieces by Patsy Cline – Like butta and fitting given the Vikings' effort last night. Devon Hester runs by, and they fall to pieces. 3)Snowbird by Anne Murray – Though Canadian, Murray is one of the most underappreciated voices of our time. She is also a stellar golfer with a reported 11 handicap. This song really speaks to me as a Vikings fan: "For the thing that I want most in life's the thing that I can't win." It also makes me think of Brett Favre. He gets to "spread his tiny wings and fly away" and leave us Vikes fans here in the [redacted]-storm to pick up the pieces next season. 4) Rose Garden by Lynn Anderson – Chris Kluwe begs our pardon, but he never promised us a rose garden. He set our expectations low for this "unplayable", and in the end, unwatchable game. But it's Christmas week, so "smile for a while and let's be jolly." 5) Jose Cuervo Shelley West – A little newer and a little rougher than the other picks, but a favorite none the less. Tequila's not my poison, but I've been known to shoot out lights and start fights. I only hope no RandBallers at the game kissed any cowboys (or Cowboys fans, for that matter) last night. (Looking at you, Clarence.) _______________________________ Your own non-game related experiences from last night's game (either in-person or remotely) and/or your thoughts on ILGG's uterine-laden and rock-solid Top 5 C&W list are welcome in the comments below.