Commenter Clarence Swamptown will delight you with tales of the Kiss-Cam and so much more this week. As usual, the opinions here on music, patriotism or where to hide the body do not necessarily reflect those of RandBall or the Star Tribune. Here we go. Clarence?
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The wife and I were on the Target Field Kiss-Cam during Saturday night's game. During the Kiss-Cam, a lot of couples will do something goofy, or ignore the camera altogether. On Saturday night they actually cut away from one exceptionally frisky woman who jumped on top of her unsuspecting boyfriend. We were more conventional: I simply spun my hat around backwards and dove in for a 3-second closed-mouth kiss on the lips. I would like to say that this was the first time we ever did anything like this in front of thousands of onlookers, but there was that one time at WeFest. * Context-Free Diagram of the Week: If you could not already tell, I have run out of ideas for context-free diagrams. The doctor dropped my Percocet medication down to a much tamer Vicodin, and I think that has a lot to do with it. Any suggestions are appreciated. [Proprietor note: ooh, ooh, we have an idea. Fasolamatt wrote in last night to say a woman at A-Dog and C-Dog's tee-ball game recognized him as a RandBall commenter. (Yes, this really apparently happened). Her name is Lindsay, she's a mother and apparently an avid reader of RandBall. She said, via Faso: "All you guys are so funny, especially Clarence. He's hysterical." Your new context-free diagram could be imagining social scenes involving RandBall commenters and random brushes with fame.] * Completely Impeachable Terrible Song of the Week: I know a lot of people get indigestion from the jingoistic use of Lee Greenwood's God Bless the USA during the seventh inning stretch, but I think my least favorite song of all time that has been completely overused during sporting events has to be What I Like About You by The Romantics. I never liked the song in the first place, but now I am subjected to it during every sporting event held in North America. That song gives me violent gas. I'd rather have the vuvuzela. * Feedlot Tip of the Week: Cracked corn is rarely superior to whole corn when finishing cattle. The additional feed efficiency seldom outweighs the additional processing cost. Your money is better spent elsewhere, like improved genetics, enhanced feedbunk management, sleeveless tee shirts or salt & vinegar Pringles. *Outstate Bar of the Week: House of Coates, Coates, MN. The House of Coates is located in beautiful1 Coates, Minn., on the outskirts of Rosemount and in the shadows of the Flint Hills Refinery. The following is a list of the Frequently Asked Randballer Questions (FARQs) I constantly hear about the Outstate Bar of the Week: *What is the bar famous for? The HOC is famous for their Swanee Burger, which is a delicious mound of onions, bacon, mushrooms, Swiss cheese, and a ½ pound patty on a soft white bun. I order mine with additional blue cheese. * Do they have a website? No. Mind your own business. * Are they on Twitter? I'm telling you, wisenheimer, the bar is surrounded by thousands of acres of openness and no one will ever find your body. * Can I watch the game there? Probably not. There is one small TV in the corner above the bar that is always on Channel 5. They do not have cable. * Sorry, I meant, "Can I watch the NASCAR race there"? Of course. You should have said that in the first place. * Anything else I should know? The HOC is my father's favorite bar because he enjoys the Friday night steak special. He may ask you for a smoke and/or a ride to Treasure Island. Please tell him no. 1 Coates is small, dark, rolling, and not particularly beautiful. It is the Danny DeVito of rural Dakota County. * Country & Western Song of the Week: I Don't Have the Heart by James Ingram. * Tomorrow afternoon will be my 12th Twins game of the year. We have tried a number of parking lots adjacent to Target Field, and so far my favorite parking ramp is under the downtown Target store. It's only $5, and only 6 blocks from the field. Then we stop by The Depot for their $10 special: a Diamond Dog with fries and a beer. The Diamond Dog is a hot dog wrapped in cheese and bacon, and then deep fried. Then we go sit in the hot sun for 3-hours and I feel like a giant greasy sunburned pig. It's awesome. If anyone knows of a cheaper & better Target Field parking (light rail does simply not work well for us) & pre-game meal combo, please let me know. Your thoughts on the Kiss-Cam, diagram ideas, terrible stadium songs, cracked corn, outstate Bars, James Ingram, and the cheapest Target Field parking/drinking/eating combinations are welcome in the comments below.
