Commenter Clarence Swamptown writes every week about issues that are dear to his corrupt mind. This works out very well for him and readers. As usual, the opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of RandBall or the Star Tribune. Clarence? -------

Last week RandBall featured an uplifting story about Minnesota Lynx center Taj McWilliams-Franklin's impromptu trip to western Minnesota to visit an Ortonville High School student. It's a great story and one you should go read it right now.

The story got me thinking: I live in outstate Minnesota and maybe if I ask politely other local professional athletes would make a trip to my house? While I don't have a school full of impressionable young students to speak to, I do have a lot of chores that need to be done, so I emailed a handful of local professional athletes and asked them to drive to Cannon Falls and help with the following tasks:

  • Bill Smith: Go plow the back 40. Just drive everything into the ground. Wow, good job Bill. It's like you've done this before. You're doing perfect.
  • Tsuyoshi Nishioka: Go burn that brush pile. Where are you going Tsuyoshi, the brush pile is that way. Tsuyoshi you're going the wrong way LOOKOUT NISHI oh man I think Tsuyoshi just broke his leg.
  • Scott Ullger: Just be yourself. You're our new windmill.
  • Joe Mauer: Uh, well, yeah I can't really think of any chores that don't pose a safety threat Joe, and it's not really worth the risk, so maybe just go sit in the dining room next to the other breakables.
  • The Timberwolves' roster: Help me preg-check the heifers. Your long reach will come in handy.
  • Donovan McNabb: Clean the gutters. Please throw all the leaves into this garbage bag. No - not on the ground - into this bag. Please stop throwing leaves onto the ground. Okay now you threw leaves onto the roof. Wow, those leaves went to the neighbor's yard. Now you're throwing more leaves on the ground. STOP THROWING EVERYTHING ON THE GROUND. Okay, just forget it.
  • Trevor Plouffe: Clean the gutt… never mind

*Outstate Diner (and Bar) of the Week: The Waumundee House, Waumundee, Wisconsin.

What are they famous for? I give Wisconsin a lot of grief, and much of it is deserved. But not everything in Wisconsin is weird and the Waumundee House is a perfect example. Waumundee is a town of approximately 515 people located just across the Mississippi River from Wabasha and Winona. It's worth your time to if you're ever on a Sunday drive to LaCrosse and want to take a slight back-road tangent. What are the waitresses like? I've never asked them, but I'm pretty sure all the waitresses and bartenders are also dairy farm wives. They just carry themselves that way. You are treated warmly and politely and everything is done quickly and to order. How's the food? They have the best broasted chicken in western Wisconsin. On the 2nd and 4th Wednesdays of every month they feature an "All You Can Eat Broasted Chicken Buffet", complete with all the fixings - including incredible homemade jo-jo potatoes and the cheapest beer in 5 counties. Not surprisingly, I normally skip the salad and vegetables and hone-in on destroying approximately 10 lbs. of chicken and jo-jos. It's ridiculous and embarrassing and glorious. Do they have a website? Yes. Are they on Twitter? No. Anything else I should know? Here's the Google Map street view. Please note the weathered front porch and the matching horse tie-downs in the parking lot. It's like stepping back in time. The place is awesome. Please consider this review as an olive branch from myself to the entire state of Wisconsin. Your rural destinations for Minnesota's professional athletes and repressed praise for the state of Wisconsin are welcome in the comments below.