p>Commenter Clarence Swamptown is back with his increasingly popular feature "Clearance Clarence," which is basically an unfiltered plunge into his soul. It's a terrifying place, but there are sweet rewards. This week, his greatest contribution is yet another in a line of great visuals. As usual, the opinions expressed regarding gossip and the Twins bullpen via Clearance Clarence don't necessarily represent those of RandBall or the Star Tribune. Clarence?
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*Country & Western Song of the Week: God Will (But I Won't) by Lyle Lovett. *Just How Stupid is Swamptown22? (The "I should probably start reading People Magazine" edition): In a few days my wife and I will celebrate our 10-year wedding anniversary. There is a special place in heaven for the women who tolerate stubborn, smart-mouthed rubes like me. I offer the following story as Exhibit A for why my wife is a saint: In real life my name is Brad and my wife's name is Jennifer (this will be important later). A few years ago we were at a wedding reception for my wife's co-worker. While my wife used the bathroom, I found some seats at a table in the reception hall. I sat down next to two women who I did not know. They were talking loud enough for me to eavesdrop. After a few minutes, their conversation turned to this: WOMAN #1: Did you hear that Brad and Jennifer are breaking up? ME: (ears perked) WOMAN #2: Oh my god, I did hear that. I heard that Brad is cheating on her. ME: (blood pressure rising quickly) WOMAN #1: I can't believe it. Jennifer seems like such a nice person. What a jerk. ME: (sternly) Do you know me? WOMAN #1: Excuse me? ME: You heard me. DO. YOU. KNOW. ME? WOMAN #1: No. ME: I am Brad. I am Jennifer's husband. I don't know who the {redacted} you think you are, or where the {redacted} you heard this {redacted} gossip, but it's complete {redacted}. Next time MIND YOUR OWN {REDACTED} BUSINESS. WOMAN #1: I don't….. ME: FORGET IT, YOU MOUSEY LITTLE {ESPECIALLY REDACTED}. JUST GO {REDACTED} YOURSELF. I angrily walked away and found my wife in the back of the hall. I explained the whole story, in verbatim. ME: (pointing) It was those two women over there. I told *that* one to go {redacted} herself. WIFE: That's Jamie. I work with her. I can't believe she would say anything like that. ME: Well, she did. WIFE: (long pause) Could they have been talking about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston? ME: The what now? WIFE: They say Brad Pitt is cheating on Jennifer Aniston. Were they talking about that? ME: Uh, I don't know. Maybe. WIFE: You're unbelievable. ME: Brad Pitt? Who the {redacted} talks about Brad {redacted} Pitt? WIFE: I am going to have to apologize to Jamie on Monday morning. ME: Let's go home. *Outstate Bar of the Week: Doherty's Tavern, Prior Lake, Minnesota. Conveniently located in the middle of nowhere, halfway between Prior Lake, Lakeville, New Market-Elko, New Prague, and Jordan. Cheap beer. Heggie's Pizza. They don't have a website, but look it up on Google Street View. It's glorious. *Context-Free Diagram of the Week:
Your embarrassing and/or regrettable tirade stories, favorite outstate bars, and thoughts on the diagram are welcome in the comments.
