Each week commenter Clarence Swamptown delights readers with his (somewhat) skewed view of sports and tales of outstate debauchery. As usual, the opinions expressed do not necessarily represent those of RandBall or the Star Tribune. Clarence?
We are not going to talk about the Twins, Joe Mauer, Tsuyoshi Nishioka, or anything baseball related here today. If you want a solid recap of what happened last night, please see Jon Marthaler’s game summary over at Twinkie Town.
The other day I heard a local radio talk show host give an innocent, light-hearted jab at Packer fans. I barely even noticed it. But immediately some angry Packer fan goofballs called in and did the whole “HOW MANY SUPER BOWLS HAVE THE VIKINGS WON” routine. They were seriously angry. It’s like a sickness.
I decided to do a little research and stumbled upon the following "press release." I’m surprised this hasn’t received more media attention. Please enjoy:
MADISON – In what anthropologists and health care professionals are calling an unprecedented and historical breakthrough in medical science, a University of Wisconsin study reported in this week’s Journal of the American Medical Association claims that Green Bay Packer fans have “genetically cultivated – over a long period of time – the most significantly diaphanous epidermis of any (quasi) biped within the hominid taxonomic spectrum.”
In layman’s terms, science has finally proven what the outside world has known all along: Green Bay Packer fans have the thinnest skin of any human species ever known to man.
“The average human has 4 to 5 outer layers of skin, depending on the body part,” says Dr. Karl Schmidt, Executive Director of the Wisconsin Institute of Dermatology, and primary author of the study. “The average Packer fan has only one delicate layer of skin. And, indubitably, that layer smells funny.”
While normal human skin thickness is approximately 0.25 millimeters, the average Packer fan’s skin is only .01 millimeters thick. For unknown reasons, this anomaly also leads to involuntary vocal reactions.
Dr. Schmidt examines an unidentified Packers fan.
“Watch as I conduct a standard Patellar Reflex Test on this prototypical Packers fan. Some of the thickest skin on your body is on the knee, so I’ll hit her there with this mallet. Her reaction will be immediate and completely instinctive,” Dr. Schmidt explains as he strikes the patient’s knee.
“OUR FANS OWN THE TEAM,” the patient screams, while holding a kielbasa stuffed with a cheeseburger Hot Pocket stuffed with another, smaller kielbasa. Each strike of the mallet elicits a different reaction, but each reaction is equally shrill and slurred.
“HOW MANY SUPER BOWLS HAS YOUR TEAM WON?”
“WE STAND THE WHOLE GAME. NO OTHER FANS DO THAT.”
“YOU’RE NOT OUR RIVALS. THE BEARS ARE OUR RIVALS.”
The patient’s reactions become increasingly nonsensical, including references to Paul Hornung, season ticket waiting lists and Dan Devine’s dog.
Although the study is historically significant, researchers are unsure what to do with the information. They do advise all Green Bay Packer fans to take extra safety measures in protecting their fragile skin from tears and cuts.
“Avoid internet chat rooms,” cautions Dr. Daniel Currie, Chief Resident of the Milwaukee County Hospital and Veterinary Service Center. “Your skin is at its thinnest when the outside world refuses to recognize how superior your football players, coaches, fans, stadium, uniforms, history, Hall of Fame, broadcasters, cheerleaders, and tailgating are to the rest of the league. Also, keep your skin well moisturized. Gravy is not a skin moisturizer, people. I cannot stress that enough. Country gravy is no exception, so stop asking me that. Geez Louise.”