Comedian Sheletta Brundidge should have kept those baby clothes.
Brundidge, host of the now-defunct "Crossroads" community affair show for Hubbard Broadcasting, talked about her latest act from Houston, where she lives with her husband, Shawn, and who she thought was going to be her only son, Andrew.
Brandon Christopher Brundidge, 8 pounds 1 ounce, arrived last week. The birth was attended by the normal dramedy because Brandon's mother is a standup comedian and Emmy-winning blogster behind Sheletta.com. (The website is on hiatus because she doesn't want to create complications for Shawn's new job.)
"Every delivery is different. With Andrew, my water broke at 12 and I delivered at 2:30 with no medication. Shawn cut the cord, we took pictures, it was beautiful," a groggy Sheletta told me.
By the way: Happy 6th birthday, Andrew!
"Baby, my water broke with Brandon at home," she said. "I was sitting outside. I said, 'Andrew let's go!' I did not think to call 911, nobody. Called my husband on the way. Girl, I jumped in the car and drove myself to the hospital. VALETED the car."
I'm going to spare readers all the messy details that Sheletta copiously provided, save a couple.
No. 1: "I'm mad," she said. "I had just bought those shoes."
No. 2: "Shawn had to stand outside and register with Andrew. When they finally let them in, they didn't know what room I was in. Shawn told Andrew, Don't worry son, we can find her. Just follow the drips. And Andrew was saying, Dad, there are some drips over here ... Dad, more drips!"
While the birth of Brandon could not be natural, the back-talking to the doctors was.
"'Just to let you know, the last time I was only in labor for two hours,'" she told the medical professionals. "They were like, 'Whatever. You're bad.'"
Nine hours later, there was no Brandon and there had been no painkillers because Sheletta had declined meds, against the advice of her doctor.
"Girl, I was hollering like I was on a roller coaster. Then they told me the room isn't sound-proof. They are going to be talking about me for years because I was hollering with every contraction and Shawn was telling me Shhhh. Quiet, honey. No screaming. I was like, 'You don't get to tell me not to scream!'
"My mother, Cynthia, was able to be with me [because she lives in Houston]. It was a blessing to have my mother there. My momma's a gangster. When that doctor kept telling me to push, my momma said, Dammit, she's pushing. Don't you see she's pushing? I'm going to hurt somebody!"
Must've been an apple-doesn't-fall-far-from-the-tree moment for the medical staff.
"Finally at 9:45 p.m. they gave me an epidural," said Sheletta. "It made me loopy. I haven't had good drugs like that since college. I was like, 'OK, look, I'm high. I damn well ain't going to push now. The doctor said, We're not going to just do a C-section because you're tired. I said, "I have been pushing, contracting, screaming, hollering, sweating. I am 40 years old. I'm tired and know my body. I'm done. You can take me downstairs and do the surgery.
"It's not like TV. They do the C-section, it's over in like two minutes. I'm looking at the clock, it's been 20 minutes. The baby is out. I said, 'What are you still doing?' He said We're putting your uterus back in. I said, "IT WAS OUT?' Apparently laying on my stomach! They don't tell you this on 'A Baby Story' on The Learning Channel.
"Brandon is just beautiful. A blessing," said Sheletta.
"You know, we weren't trying to have a baby."
She thought Andrew would be an only child when baby girl Avis didn't survive in September 2010.
Sheletta and Shawn got rid of an estimated $4,000 worth of baby clothes when they left Minnesota for a move to Ohio. (They didn't stay there long because they hated it there.)
"We had the strollers, the tubs, the bottles and the chairs. Everything," she said. "I looked my husband in the eyes and said, 'Are we GOING TO HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN?' He said 'No!' So we took all that stuff to a battered women's shelter."
Sheletta joked that she had a master plan to return to that Minnesota battered women's shelter to reclaim the baby stuff. The joke did what great humor is supposed to -- go too far. Unfortunately, it goes too far to be repeated in these pages. Maybe I'll tell you what she said on Twitter.
C.J. is at 612.332.TIPS or firstname.lastname@example.org. E-mailers, please state a subject -- "Hello" doesn't count. Attachments are not opened, so don't even try. More of her attitude can be found on FOX 9.