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Breaking up doesn't call for being mean

Here are five steps toward ending a serious relationship while treating your significant other as humanely as possible.

Chicago Tribune
March 5, 2012 at 7:58PM
News of divorce often generates comments about whether the break-up was in the cards before the vows were finished. But is it possible to predict divorce? Maybe.
News of divorce often generates comments about whether the break-up was in the cards before the vows were finished. But is it possible to predict divorce? Maybe. (Fresno Bee/The Minnesota Star Tribune)

There's no easy way to break up with a significant other. But you can be kind about it.

Linda Young, a counseling psychologist in Bellevue, Wash., who runs the "Love in Limbo" blog for Psychology Today, offers advice on how to break up with someone as humanely as possible.

Step 1: When to do it

Ideally, you want to have the breakup conversation when there's plenty of time to talk in private, face-to-face, with few distractions.

There's never a good time. Even if he's in a great mood or she's had a bad day at work, don't make excuses. Decide to do it, and do it.

An exception: If your partner is going through something traumatic, such as a health scare or the death of a loved one, the more humane thing to do is to postpone the breakup until that difficult period is over.

Step 2: Where to do it

Do it somewhere private. Dinner at his or her house might be best because then you can leave. Or have the talk while taking a walk or doing something outside in nice weather, because it's healthy to move when you're digesting emotional news.

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Do it in public only if you fear for your safety.

Step 3: What to say

Don't announce beforehand, "We need to talk."

Do broach the subject only when you're ready to start talking. Try: "I've been struggling with something for a while, and I'd like to come out with it."

Be honest about your reasons, but don't point fingers or declare what you don't like about your partner. Rather, say, "This is what I've discovered over time is missing." The point is that it's just a mismatch.

Avoid infuriating clichés, such as, "It's not you, it's me," or "This is hurting me as much as it's hurting you."

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Step 4: Reacting to reaction

Be resolute. Don't backpedal and suggest that maybe you can work it out. It just prolongs the inevitable.

Say you're sorry. Sit with your partner's tears and apologize for causing pain. If your partner gets mean and starts hurling insults, don't fight back. Just say, "I'm sorry; I know it hurts." And then listen.

Step 5: Post-breakup etiquette

Generally, it's best to cut off all contact, but you might continue to talk if your partner was shocked by the breakup and needs more questions answered in order to process the situation. But don't initiate contact, especially if you're second-guessing your decision -- it will only cause confusion.

Definitely don't have post-breakup sex, and don't try to be friends right away. It sends mixed signals and the dumpee might think there's a chance to get you back.

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about the writer

about the writer

ALEXIA ELEJALDE-RUIZ

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