In real life, celebrities and spirits don't mix so well. Just ask Nick Nolte, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, Khloe Kardashian, Kiefer Sutherland and -- well, you get the picture.

But in marketing departments, such pairings appear to be a natural. Bruce Willis, right, just got a 3.3. percent stake in Belvedere SA to promote Sobieski vodka. Dan Aykroyd was in the Twin Cities last spring promoting Crystal Skull vodka and his line of wines. Other not-so-odd couplings: Danny DeVito with an eponymous limoncello, something called Paris Hilton Nude Prosecco and, most recently, alleged Tiger Woods mistress Jamie Jungers hawking Three-O Root Beer Vodka.

But sales of premium spirits are trending down, says David Ozgo, chief economist at the Distilled Spirits Industry Council. Belvedere just emerged from court protection from creditors, and the Hilton prosecco has been heavily discounted all year.

So these beverages need more than celebrities; they need slogans. "Drink hard" probably won't work for "Die Hard" actor Willis, nor will "Go for the roots" with the bleached-blonde Jungers. But these celebrities and mottos might have possibilities:

Kanye West: "Ima let you finish that bottle of Cristal."

Joe Wilson: "You lie if you say there's a better beer than Pabst Blue Ribbon."

Lady Gaga: "Smirnoff: Clear as my bubbles, and cleaner."

Henry Louis Gates: "When I had beer with the president, I insisted on Samuel Adams Light."

Robert Pattinson: "With Maker's Mark, I actually can get a date."

Megan Fox: "Beefeater's: For a transforming experience."

Sarah Palin: "Go rogue, with delicious Moosehead beer."

Brett Favre: "40-Year-Old Glenfiddich: as well-seasoned as, well, me."

Chesley (Sully) Sullenberger: "There's always a happy landing with smooth Jameson Irish Whiskey."

BILL WARD