Dear Amy: I recently joined a wonderful family when I married a great man.

Everything's perfect — except for his nephew.

The boy is not quite old enough to be in school yet, but this poor little guy has been coddled by his mother since the day he was born.

He has been taught that if you scream, cry and whine long enough, mommy will come to the rescue bearing gifts and consolations.

It has been brought to her attention numerous times by family members that discipline can be a good thing for a child, and that his behavior is ruining family gatherings (yet they continue to be invited).

I can't stand to be in the same room with this child for more than an hour (and I usually adore children). My husband and I have to excuse ourselves early from gatherings if the child is present.

I have actually had more than one panic attack when I tried to "suck it up" for my hubby's sake.

I realize this is not the child's fault, but I have recently made the decision that he will not be welcome in my home.

Is there a tactful way to help guide his mother toward better parenting strategies? Even better, how can I tell her I can't handle being around him, without becoming the evil in-law?

Amy says: This boy is (I assume) 3 or 4 years old. He will definitely mature. Do you have similar potential? I wonder.

It is much easier to be around (and "adore") a well-behaved child than an out-of-control one, but being a member of a family exposes a person to all sorts of annoyances and indignities. "Uncle Joe" is a womanizer. "Aunt Sue" has a drinking problem. "Grammy" is a busybody.

You cannot single out one child to exclude from your home (especially if there are other children in the extended family) without family members noticing and judging you.

You're the adult. Work harder to be more tolerant. And if you don't want to have this child in your home, you'll have to tell his parents that they'll need to get a sitter if they want to come over.

Loans for a spendthrift

Dear Amy: Although I care about my mother-in-law, I'm starting to resent her. She is always bringing up her financial issues in front of the family. This makes the entire family uncomfortable.

Recently she borrowed a large sum from my husband and me and then told us that she splurged and bought an expensive appliance she doesn't need. I couldn't even look her in the eyes! She has a housekeeper and has a very costly gym membership.

We have a family of our own to support! It really bothers me that she feels entitled to borrow money when she is not wise with her own. How do I let her know that this behavior has to stop — without hurting our family relationship?

Amy says: According to the pattern you describe, your complaints about your mother-in-law make her seem like a mastermind and you like a chump. This is very simple. Her financial habits are damaging your own finances, as well as your relationship with her.

Tell her that when she repays the last loan, you will consider lending to her again.

She needs a familywide intervention and professional financial counseling more than she needs another cash infusion.

Your enabling is harmful to her. So stop.

Send questions via e-mail to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com.