Q: I'm a 22-year-old guy who just graduated from college. My story line with girls always turns out the same way. In college and the last two years of high school, I had six relationships, all of which ended after four to 10 months. This sounds normal for a person my age, however they all broke up with me for the same reason: I still have my virginity.

Each girl said she was "head over heels in love" with me, refusing to leave my side for the first several months. Then as things got more physical, I would tell them I wasn't going to have sex with them until marriage. Like clockwork, they would quickly cut off communication or be very hostile toward me and end it within a couple days. Some of these were nine- to 10-month, zero-fight relationships! I have pretty much pinpointed the disclosing my virginity as the impetus for the 180.

The last couple of girls have been dream girls for me, so I have told myself that when I really get to know a girl maybe at the one-year mark, that I would have sex. But I don't want to rush into anything. Being a religious boy, I'm struggling with the fact that I shouldn't have sex before marriage, but also struggling with the fact that I might lose my dream girl over such a trivial thing. Is it just that I haven't found the right girl yet? Is it the kind of girls I'm dating? Am I unlucky? Or should I loosen up and give a little if I find a girl that I really like?

--Lost, Heartbroken Lover

A: Yes, maybe, probably not and not necessarily. There's also the part about not mentioning you won't have sex before marriage until after you've reached the physical-intimacy stage of your relationships. That fact should be disclosed a little sooner, like the date following your first real make-out session. You'll save yourself time and heartbreak if you're upfront about staying chaste.

Now, some insight into the female psyche. It's probable that not having sex with your girlfriends feels like rejection to them. Women are conditioned from a very young age that being sexualized is a good thing. From general-interest magazines (Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, anyone?) to teen beauty rags that feature articles like "How to know he's into you" (is that all we should care about?), reading materials are only the tip of the iceberg. A 2007 report by the American Psychological Association concluded that female sexualization was found in all forms of media and entertainment, and continues to increase. Being sexually desired is validation that we're attractive. That's not to say a gal doesn't have sex just because she wants to, but rejection might sting a little more for her than it does for you.

If you think it might be the girls you're dating, stop dating girls and start dating women. You might find that older women are better at pacing a relationship. A lady already embarked on her career has more important things to obsess about than when her boyfriend will want to have sex with her. Older women tend to have stronger self-esteem and don't require that much validation. Well, you still have to make a woman feel wanted, but you can do that by telling her how gorgeous and sexy she is, and how she tempts you and your faith on a daily basis.

And when you do start getting physical, don't be hypocritical. If you can put a _______ in front of the word "sex" and have it accurately describe your bedroom acts, then it's sex. Oral sex, for instance, is sex. Really, if there's any bodily penetration with fluid exchange, it's sex.

A girl who doesn't respect your decision to stay a virgin until marriage is a girl whose moral views don't line up with yours. It's clear your faith is important to you, so by no means should you compromise it. Don't dismiss your beliefs as trivial. Compromising your own moral code would more than likely end up being a mistake -- one that you can never do over.

  • Alexis McKinnis is taking your questions about sex, dating and relationships. Send them to advice@vita.mn or submit anonymously at www.vita.mn/alexis. Don't leave out the juicy details!