Q: I am a guy with a consistent pattern of crushing on lesbians, without ever realizing they are lesbians until much later. It's beginning to get comical. I always thought lesbians would never have any need for socializing with men, but it turns out there are tons of attractive (in a feminine way), personable lesbians with whom I will hit it off at parties, on the street, etc. Once I asked one out, and she said, "Yeah! Sure ... Full disclosure though: I'm a dyke!"

I have even taken out women who later started having girlfriends, and I should have seen it all along. What does it say about me that I am unconsciously drawn to fabulous lesbians, but never figure it out? What is it about them that I am attracted to? Is there a solution to wanting a type that inherently doesn't want you back? Or is there a way to tell if a woman is gay so I don't waste my time?

A: When you say "consistent pattern," do you mean that nearly every girl you've ever found attractive has turned out to be gay? Because I find that hard to believe. Yours isn't the first sentiment I've heard from a man who claimed to be hopelessly attracted to pretty lesbians, so allow me to dispel your delusion. Simply put, straight men are attracted to lesbians because straight men are attracted to women. The odds that every few eligible woman you encounter will be gay or at least bi are pretty good, especially given the sexual fluidity of women (more on that in a bit). I hang out at culturally, racially and sexually diverse bars and clubs almost every night of the week; sometimes it seems like every other man I see is gay. It's a beautiful thing that Minneapolis has the fourth highest percentage of GLBT adults in the nation, but it can make navigating the straight dating scene a little trickier.

Three weeks ago, I watched in amusement as a clueless male friend of mine flirted with a lovely femme at the bar. He didn't get the message until I tipped him off but, to me, her body language made it clear she wasn't interested: facing forward, not toward him, occasionally leaning over to politely engage in small talk and -- the most obvious -- smiling at every cute girl who walked by.

We say more with our bodies than we do with our words, so be on the lookout for big signals when you approach women. Is she flirting back or just being friendly? Is it natural conversation or are you talking at her as she keeps glancing away? Is she smiling and maintaining eye contact like she gives a crap about what you're saying? It can be hard to step back and stop seeing what we want to see, but try and focus on what the pretty girl you're talking to is doing, not just the fact that you're talking to a pretty girl. Gay or straight, you should be able to tell if she's not interested in seeing you naked.

The perceived sexual fluidity of women deserves some attention here, too. For reasons that are at once completely obvious and totally baffling, our culture is more accepting of the idea of women having sex with both men and women than that of men doing the same. Because of this, you're going to encounter a lot of women that openly have romantic relationships with other women before and after you date them. Gender identity doesn't change over time, but it can appear that way depending on where our hearts and libidos take us. Your dyke friend that you took out on a date might fall in love with a man, and then she might break up with him and start dating a woman. It happens all the time, and it's something to keep in mind next time you're chatting up a lady. Don't try to determine "lesbian characteristics." Instead, focus on the traits you find attractive in a partner and see if she matches up that way. If you dig her, tell her. If the feeling is mutual, she'll let you know.

  • Alexis McKinnis is taking your questions about sex, dating and relationships. Send them to advice@vita.mn or submit anonymously at www.vita.mn/alexis. Don't leave out the juicy details!