Q: A few months ago I started fooling around with this guy. Our sex-a-thons are extremely satisfying and last for days. He is super affectionate, not afraid to call me when he's thinking of me and has started to use pet names. The booty calls have become more about hanging out than having sex. He says he can't handle a relationship right now, and honestly, neither can I, so when he asked me to be exclusive, I was surprised. I thought he wanted to take the relationship to a new level, but he insisted that he wanted it to remain in the land of dirty, all-over-the apartment sex and nothing more. Am I wrong to think that this had become more than a romp? Is his definition of "exclusive" a facade for dating to the commitaphobic mind?

A: Here is one of those instances where it would have been awesome to know not just your age, but his. I suspect he's in his early to mid-20s, since this sounds like young-dude behavior. Guys at that age -- for all their beauty, fearlessness and zest for life -- are often frustrating in relationships because they don't always understand what being in a relationship means. They might have huge misconceptions when it comes to dependence and sacrifice. They look at poor examples around them (parents who hate each other, friends with demanding girlfriends, "Breaking Bad") and freak the eff out. What's the human gut reaction to things we don't understand? Fear, generally followed by flight. If you like this guy, want to keep him around and want to establish that this has indeed become more than a romp, you've got to clue him into what healthy, grown-up relationships look like.

He wants to maintain your dynamic sex life, but doesn't realize that every time you tear it up in the sheets, you become a little more emotionally attached. Sex can be annoying that way. He's also plagued by another misconception: Once you make the leap to boyfriend and girlfriend, the sex stops being so dirty and spontaneous. I, along with a dozen of my oversharing friends, would be happy to explain to your guy how this is not true. The longer you're banging someone, the more you trust them, the more creative and daring you get. Many women need to spend a fair amount of time with their partners, both in and out of the bedroom, before every last sexual inhibition falls away. You might want to allude to that fact during your next pillow-talk session. If he thinks the sex is hot now, just wait until you feel completely comfortable and secure around him. That's not going to happen without some reassurance on his end; you have to feel confident he's not going to skitter out the door upon discovering your zentai suit collection.

You both said you can't handle a relationship right now, yet you're in one: You have great sex, enjoy hanging out, have agreed not to date anyone else and, seemingly, have a decent line of communication going. Sounds like boyfriend-girlfriend stuff to me, if even just the beginning stages. People are afraid to commit for all sorts of reasons, each of which can be easily debunked if two people are right for each other. Independent people with goals and healthy self-esteem rarely make for jealous, antagonistic partners. They don't try to change or control the other person, instead accepting the bad along with the good.

He's a little freaked out about putting a label on your relationship, and that's fine. For now. If you're still in the same boat in two or three months, then just get gutsy and start calling him your boyfriend. Some guys are so terrified of relationships not working out that they throw in the towel without even giving it a chance. If you like this guy, don't give him the chance to destroy something great before you even know what you have.

  • Alexis McKinnis is taking your questions about sex, dating and relationships. Send them to advice@vita.mn or submit anonymously at www.vita.mn/alexis. Don't leave out the juicy details!