Q: I am engaged to the love of my life. She is a wonderful girl, a great friend and good lover. We have great sex together and have it often enough. The problem is that she is not willing to give me oral sex almost ever. I practically have to beg for it, and IF she does it's VERY brief and never to the end. I'm more than willing and eager to go down on her, and I truly enjoy it. It's gotten to the point that she doesn't want me going down on her just so she doesn't feel like she has to reciprocate. She says it's hard for her to breathe when she does it and she feels self-conscious. I am not the type to cheat and I don't want to risk our life together, but the idea of never getting a blow job again is pretty hard to swallow.

--Mark

A: Wow, that is a problem. By neglecting a need that you have in bed, your fiancée is compromising her end of the relationship bargain. What if, every time she wanted to talk about her rough day at work, you walked out of the room mid-conversation? She would probably be pretty pissed off, and a fight would ensue over your insensitivity to her needs. The blow-job issue is no different because sex is both physical and emotional. She's satisfying you to a point, but then walking out of the proverbial room when she feels like she's done enough. Not only is this frustrating, but it's probably created some hurt feelings and tension that will inevitably creep into other areas of your relationship unless you deal with it now.

Does she really say she doesn't feel as if she has to reciprocate oral sex? Not only is that lazy, it's also selfish. You're not asking for anything kinky or even out of the norm, you're asking for one of the simplest and most pleasurable sexual acts. If your fiancée really does feel self-conscious, then ask her what it is she's afraid she's doing wrong. Give positive feedback, assuring her that what she's doing feels great. If she doesn't want you to watch her, then don't. Slip a blindfold over your eyes or toss a pillow over your head. Some women don't enjoy the thrusting that seems to naturally occur during hummers, so try to keep your hips still. Keep her on top so she can control how deep she goes. If she starts to feel overwhelmed like she can't breathe, have her explore the rest of your boy parts. Kissing and licking on the balls (and below, if she's willing) gives her a break from the bobbing and provides all kinds of nice sensations for you.

Try the side-by-side 69 position, where you're lying on your sides, facing each other. It makes for a more relaxed experience than when either one of you is on top. If she hates the taste of semen (which is perfectly understandable), then let that be your compromise. You give her some head, she gives you some head and then, before you climax, you transition into some good old fashioned in-and-out.

If the terms of your relationship include monogamy, don't cheat. Instead, explain to your fiancée that oral sex is an element of intimacy that you need, and if she can't provide it, then she might not be the right woman for you. Think long and hard about what your future will be like with her. If blow jobs are really important to you (and that's totally normal, by the way), then your well-being is officially in jeopardy by continuing the relationship without addressing and resolving this conflict.

Sexual compatibility is part of the foundation of a strong relationship and certainly that of a marriage. Any problem in this arena, particularly if it makes one partner feel physically and emotionally unfulfilled, will cause a ripple effect in your relationship. If you think your fiancée will magically start loving blow jobs once you tie the knot, you've got a hard road, and most likely a packet of dissolution papers, ahead of you.

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