Q: I know I should be prepared for surprises when I do online dating, but I'm still a little stunned by a recent date, who had clearly posted very old pictures of herself on her profile. Since those pictures had been taken, she had put on about 30 to 40 pounds.

I'm afraid that, like most guys, I simply cannot see past a certain amount of extra weight. So what am I supposed to do? I can't say "Sorry, I won't date anyone I can't lift." Furthermore, for reasons beyond the weight, it was pretty clear that we weren't going to hit it off and I would have liked to just cut the date short, but she ordered a bunch of food (natch) and I was pretty sure I'd go to hell for leaving her to eat alone. I was stuck there for more than two hours.

Am I shallow for being more than a little dismayed at her (intended or not) duplicity with the photos, and how does one remove himself early from a date when one is unskilled in the fine art of faking a health emergency?

-- Duane, 32

A: Of course you're not shallow. You like what you like, and if a girl doesn't fall within those parameters, then there's no way around it. If she has a great personality and has at least a dozen things in common with you, then you could consider taking a chance on another date, at least gaining a friend out of the deal. But if Muffintop McGee is shoveling enchiladas into her maw like your first encounter was a hot-dog-eating contest, then you have my full permission to dip out before she starts eyeing you up like a fat kid at a rib roast.

The best way out of a first date is the think-ahead setup, employed by women since mobile phones were introduced. Ask a trusted friend to call you 30 minutes from the time you're scheduled to meet your date, and apologize when you get there for a phone call you might have to take. Once you've had a chance to assess the woman's potential, the "emergency" call from your friend either saves the day and you excuse yourself, or it creates a minor interruption after which you can silence your cell and focus on the future mother of your children.

You could always feign intestinal distress. This not only allows for leaving the situation as quickly as possible, but also leaves her with a rather unattractive mental image as you go running for the car. But if you are unskilled in faking health emergencies, you might not pull it off. "God, it must've been the guacamole" isn't all that convincing when you can't keep a straight face or maintain eye contact.

Whatever you do, resist the urge to convince her you're a cosplay-loving swinger exhibitionist foot-porn addict, thinking that she'll be the one sprinting for the door. Too risky. She could be just as into rubbing bunions as you say you are, and now you've got 15 seconds to flee before Mistress Latex breaks out her BlackBerry and queues up a parade of feet photos. Worse, she'll be so freaked out by your confessions that she bolts straight home ... to her computer, to e-mail all of her girlfriends about her nightmare date, complete with links to your dating profile and photos. Now you won't be hooking up with a potentially decent pool of datable ladies. The Twin Cities' singles community is just a little too tight to pull this one off.

Consider this a lesson learned. Keep all first dates inflexibly short; think weekday lunches between work meetings or Saturday afternoon coffee before going to a Twins game with friends. An online-personals first date is essentially a blind date, so don't set yourself up for an awkward situation you can't readily escape. But remember that you made a commitment, so be polite and give her 30 minutes of your time. Even if she turns out to be a tragic victim of an ugly-stick beating or a Jenny Craig "before" picture personified, you can still execute good date etiquette and get out unscathed.

  • Got a question about sex, dating or relationships? Send it to Alexis McKinnis at advice@vita.mn or post it discreetly via her blog at www.vita.mn/alexis. Don't leave out the juicy details!