Q: Hey, I'm a 27-year-old male dating a 21-year-old female. The age thing isn't an issue at all, but there is a big difference that sort of comes with age -- our sexual experience. She hasn't had a lot, and she told me how nervous she was because she wanted to make sure she was "doing it right." Well, that turned my confidence into doubt and made me quite nervous. Then I went ahead and asked the dreaded question, "Do you get off from this?"

I know she is into it -- her body language and moans are a good indication -- but I wasn't sure, so I asked. She told me she only gets an orgasm when she does it herself, with a shower head. Is there something I could do to relax her a bit, enhance the experience for her and help get rid of my nervousness? Sorry, I know asking how to get a girl off is pretty high school-ish, but I've never encountered this problem before, or never cared to actually solve it, anyway.

A: Your girlfriend's inability to get off during sex is more common than you might think. Studies show that at least 50 percent and as many as 75 percent of women do not orgasm from intercourse alone. Clitoral stimulation is necessary for most women to achieve the big O, so just the in-and-out won't cut it.

I was interviewed on Fox 9 News last month about a massive study regarding the real sexual habits of Americans. One of the biggest eye-openers was that 85 percent of men believed they satisfied their partner in bed, while only 65 percent of women reported being satisfied. Why? Because women generally don't orgasm during intercourse, but don't realize that's completely normal, so they feel pressured to fake it. All those girls you pleasured before your current girlfriend, well, don't be so sure they were having a blast. The first thing I want you to do is forget the idea that orgasm is the ultimate goal of sex.

Your baby's only 21 and, while some of the lucky ones already have a firm grasp on their kinks by then, she probably doesn't even know what really turns her on. Has she ever let you in on her fantasies? Ask her about things she's interested in trying, and share any sexy ideas you've been holding back. Talking about tying each other up or hitting the tub for a golden shower not only eases anxiety in the bedroom, but it also creates excitement (it's like dirty talk without worrying about sounding silly). One topic to avoid: your threesome wishes. She's already insecure; don't make her feel inadequate.

If you want to know how it's done, have her show you. Mutual masturbation is an incredibly hot and underrated naked activity, not to mention a true learning experience. If she needs that shower head, so be it -- the two of you will just be really clean afterward. Pay attention to speed, pressure, length of stroke, anything you can make note of without looking like a scientist watching a lab monkey. Now apply her technique in bed.

Most women get off easiest from oral and manual stimulation, so make those your methods. Ladies love cool K, as in the Kivin Method of cunnilingus. Get perpendicular to her body, sweep your tongue back and forth across the hood of her clitoris and put a little pressure on the patch of skin between her vaginal and anal openings. Underneath it lie our orgasm muscles; pressing a fingertip there while licking her clit should create a nice one. Feel free to explore her body with your free hand, though I'd advise against poking around inside her vagina unless she asks you to.

Back to my point: Sex doesn't have to end with a big ta-da. Take the pressure off both of you by just lying in bed and having fun. Getting an orgasm is great, but figuring out how to give one is an even bigger payoff.

  • Alexis McKinnis is taking your questions about sex, dating and relationships. Send them to advice@vita.mn or submit anonymously at www.vita.mn/alexis. Don't leave out the juicy details!