Withering Glance: No Oscars for Black Swan

Rick Nelson and Claude Peck dispense unasked-for advice about clothing, etiquette, culture, relationships, grooming and more.

CP: You finally saw "Black Swan," the B-movie that by mistake is up for five Oscars tonight. What took you so long?

RN: Right? "Ballet movie" and "Rick Nelson" go together like "Claude Peck" and "skinny jeans sale."

CP: I thought it had a higher cheese content than a bag of fried curds at the State Fair.

RN: "The Turning Point," it's not. It's not even a scary "Center Stage." By the end, I was laughing, although it's not a comedy.

CP: Laughing, and not feeling the least bit scared, either.

RN: Well, I don't know about you, but I still get a tad anxious around a fingernail clipper.

RN: Or a trashy remake of "The Red Shoes." Cassel was no Boris Lermontov, that's for sure. Oy, that dialogue.

CP: "Let yourself go!" "Unleash your inner slut!" To which Natalie Portman's character should've replied, "The only thing I'm unleashing on you is a lawsuit for sexual harassment."

RN: No kidding. Still, Barbara Hershey was divine as the unhinged ballet mother. I've known a few of those, and believe me, her portrayal was not entirely grounded in fiction. That scene with the frilly pink sheet cake? Sheer genius.

CP: Poor Ms. Hershey. Not looking so great, and after all she's done for her 30-year-old babygirl, mom has to be reminded, "you never made it out of the corps de ballet." Ow.

RN: Mother-daughter rivalry, jeez. There's a fresh idea. How about Winona Crazypants Ryder as the resident diva?

RN: I don't get the universal Natalie Portman adulation. Yes, she lost 20 pounds, got up on pointe and is radiantly pregnant with her co-star, New York City Ballet hottie Benjamin Millepied, yada yada yada. Yet her porcelain features vacillate between two expressions during the entire film: looney-tunes and "Scream." Hand Annette Bening the statuette already.

CP: You think Hollywood's ready to give it to a lesbian character who's not a serial killer like Charlize Theron in "Monster"?

RN: Probably not. Look at poor Cher in "Silkwood." Totally robbed. Instead, "Black Swan" viewers are treated to that scene of Portman and Mila Kunis sweating up the percales. Hot, or not?

CP: Total straight-guy fantasy -- like the entire movie.