Q I'm really having a problem dealing with my husband's ex. I can't get past the fact that she was once important to him. She drops off the kids and tries to be nice, but I don't want anything to do with her. The kids can see it. I feel terrible, but I can't help it.
A Yes, you can help it. You just don't have the tools. It will just take tweaking in the way you look at things.
If it's any comfort, you're not alone. Jealousy of the past is one of the most difficult problems people face when starting a new relationship.
First, understand that this insecurity is simply based on the fear that he felt more strongly about someone else at one point than he feels about you now. Try not to obsess about his past or dwell on what you think might have happened. Even if he told you she left him and he cried for years, dwelling on that just undermines your self-worth. (He should be keeping those things to himself, anyway.) When you're faced with being angry or resentful, just remember, "Resentment is letting someone live in your mind, rent-free."
Second, try not to spend a lot of time comparing notes about your past. That's a recipe for disaster. Spend more mental time on building your life together than analyzing the past.
Third, find a support group where you'll find camaraderie and continuing help from people who have already faced the issues you're struggling with. Although counseling is usually the first thing suggested (and we also suggest it to you), the importance of close friendships when facing something like this is often overlooked. If you don't know of a support group, our Bonus Families website (www.bonusfamilies.com) has an active message board where people help each other find solutions.
Finally, when you refer to the ex, trying using labels such as "Susie's mom" and not "my husband's ex-wife." Changing those words can help to depersonalize the ex-relationship and put things into perspective.
Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are the authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents."