Thinking of Relocating? Don't Consider Minnesota!

Are you looking to move? Try your hand in a new city with fresh opportunities and fun adventures? If so, please consider Florida, North Carolina, Texas, New Mexico or Colorado. Any state but Minnesota.

Never mind the twin cities of Minneapolis/St. Paul and the surrounding metro areas are often included on many of the "Best Places to Live" lists. Or, that The Trust for Public Land recently named the Twin Cities the nation's best big city for public parks, besting New York City and Boston.

Big Whoop. Don't be fooled. You don't want to live here.

Take it from me. I returned to to my native Minnesota in 2011, after living in Southern California for more than three decades. I never thought I'd return, but personal circumstances brought me back. After living in my small, rural hometown for nine months (population 4,300), I was paroled for good behavior and bought a home just outside Minneapolis.

From personal experience, I know it isn't that great to live here. Honest.

Not convinced? Consider these four reasons not to move to the Minnesota.

1. Minnesota is Much Too Progressive. We have two democratic senators and a governor who are doing good work, and citizens who really care about the future of their state. Did I mention our unemployment rate is 5.3%? Did you know there is a building boom going on here? Did you know our state coffers are in good shape? (The best for last) Did you hear Michelle Bachmann is retiring from Congress? It won't last.

2. The Natives Get in Your Face. Your neighbors will snow blow your driveway and never expect anything in return. If you mention you're fond of cherry pie, someone will bring you one. During the summer and the fall, there will be backyard gatherings and everyone in the neighborhood shows up to chat, laugh, and sip wine or beer. When you walk or ride your bike people wave and smile (and usually comment about the weather). The residents here take friendly to a new level. Minnesota Nice? It's downright annoying.

3. How Quaint: People Value Learning. Oh sure, the schools are pretty good. We have more than 200 colleges and universities in the state and 33 of them made the annual list of "Best Colleges" by U.S. News and World Report. And, speaking of education, please just gloss over the fact that Minneapolis & St. Paul were both included on a list of the most literate cities in the U.S. (spots three and six, respectively). Don't even ask me to tell you about the libraries. Learning? It's overrated.

4. Dubious Quality of Life. Forget that we have way more than 10,000 lakes, great air, loads of trees, and walking and bike trails that were named the best in the country. Never mind that we have the Mall of America, the biggest mall ever, or that our world-class museums are awesome. Or, that we have more theater seats per capita than any other metropolitan area. Did I forget to mention Garrison Keillor? Please do not come to the Twin Cities to enjoy our huge farmer's markets and our great restaurants. Do not come here to see the thousands upon thousands of wonderful old houses and buildings that have been preserved and restored. And, while you are not here, you surely won't see any deer or wild turkey in your backyard (like I have in mine). Awesome on every level? It's all hype.

There you have it.

I could have easily listed five reasons not to move here, but Minnesotans are notoriously modest. Five would have just been showing off.

Hopefully, my four reasons are enough to convince you to just stay where you are or choose some other place to relocate.

Really, we've got enough people in Minnesota and you really wouldn't like it anyway. Honest. I hate it. I hate it so much, I'm never leaving again. You would, too.