Commenter Rocket writes about the GOON-FILLED NHL because sometimes we forget to do so. This works out well. Rocket? ---------

(Scene: A small shack in the Carolina woods, notable only for its rustic quality and its satellite dish. Inside the rickety structure a motley assortment is dressed in black and looking mournful. A kindly old man of the cloth steps to the podium.)

Kindly Old Man of the Cloth: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of one of our own. (RandBall begins to wail uncontrollably. Rockette just looks grumpy.) KOMOTC: But let us not languish in sorrow in the passing of Rocket. Rather, let us celebrate his life and the joy that he brought to each one of us. Who would like to say a few words about our brother as he makes his way to a better place? (Clarence Swamptown pushes his way to the podium) Clarence Swamptown: I can't say that I knew Rocket all that well, but at least he didn't remind me of Dave Hakstol. Let me tell you, Dave Hakstol is a … (The KOMOTC, somehow sensing what is coming next, moves quickly to interrupt.) KOMOTC: Er, um, thank you, brother Clarence. Perhaps we should keep our comments to our brother Rocket and the joy that he has brought into our lives. Thank you so much for your patience and understanding. Who else would like to speak? (Dotting his eyes with tissue paper, RandBall struggles to his feet, composes himself, and slowly saunters to the podium. He loudly clears his throat, having seemingly pulled himself together right before his upper lip begins to tremble again.) RandBall: RIIICCCKKKKKKKKYYYYYYY! WHY, RICKY, WHY? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE US SO SOON?!?!?!?!?!? I'M SO LOST WITHOUT YOU! I'LL NEVER FEEL LOVE AGAIN! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ALL ALONE RIIICCCCCCCKKKKYYYYYYY!!!!! (The Marth and Newbie move to RandBall's side and gently walk him away from the podium. Realizing that the situation is quickly growing out of his control the KOMOTC rushes to the podium to try to restore order.) KOMOTC: Um, yes, well…that was very heartfelt. Is there anyone else who might like to speak, specifically speak, about our brother Rocket? He is the one that we lost… RandBall: (shouting from the back of the room as The Marth and Newbie sit him down) THE WHOLE SEASON IS LOST! THEY MISS HIS DEFENSE AND FLOPPY HAIR SO MUCH!!! KOMOTC: (Loudly, to drown out RandBall's sobs) Yes, yes! We all understand you are in pain, brother RandBall. We're all in pain at a time like this. But is there anyone who would like to say a few words just about brother Rocket, and only brother Rocket? (Stu saunters to the podium in a manner that can only be described as jovial.) Stu: Rocket didn't seem to like me much. I can't say that I was much of a fan of his taste in music or his decision of who to make the target of his irrational internet rage. And now he's dead. In conclusion, go Huskies, woooo. (Stu shimmies back to his seat. The KOMOTC looks defeated, but feels obligated to try again.) KOMOTC: Yes, OK, that was…well. Is there anyone else who has something to say and would be willing to keep it short and on topic? (Rockette, her expression having never changed during the whole ordeal, finally rises and stomps her way to the podium.) Rockette: I just want to say one thing. I am not going to do all of the work around this house by myself. If he thinks he can just sit there like a bump on a log staring blankly into the TV all night long while I cook and clean for him then he's got another thing coming. I'm not his maid and I'm not putting up with this for another two months! (The KOMOTC is confused, but his impulse is to console the grieving wife.) KOMOTC: I know this is tough, Rockette, but he's gone. He can't help you around the house anymore. He's passed on, but you have a whole community of people who love you and want to help you through this terrible ti… (Suddenly, wearing nothing but loosely fitting pajama pants and an old, ratty t-shirt, Rocket enters the room.) Rocket: What the [redacted] are you people doing in my house? KOMOTC: Rocket?! But I don't… I thought you were… It's a miracle that you're alive! Rocket: It's between periods. KOMOTC: (turning to Rockette) You told me that you had just become a widow… Rockette: I told you that I was a "hockey widow." The stupid playoffs started a week ago and he hasn't left the TV or lifted a finger around the house since. You're the one who invited all of his internet loser friends here. (Mouth agape, the KOMOTC decides that, his faith already shaken to the core, he must leave this place. He wordlessly grabs his coat and walks out, vowing never to speak of this day again. End scene.)