Let's get one thing straight: Stu and Rocket have a mutual distaste for one another (one that is not real). They do not know that we are combining their thoughts into one guest post. Let the fireworks ensue. First, from Stu (since he is brief):


In the style of the Pavstache Contest, you may want to consider starting a "When Does Favre Announce His Third Un-retirement?" pool for the RandBall blog. Just a thought. Closest date/time wins some swag you have around the office.

A fine idea, sir. Please leave your pick in the comments. (And yes, Stu had a cheap shot at Rocket at the end of that which we will not print).

And now, Rocket takes his turn. This is lengthy. It's been edited a little for content and length, though not edited for cheap shots at Stu. It was sent before all this Favre mania began today. But for some reason, we still find it oddly applicable. Please note that all of this is fiction. Except that it could be true. Rocket, take it away:


The Brett Favre/RandBall press conference

The Background: In a move that stunned no one, on Tuesday, Aug. 24, 2010, Brett Favre announced that he was returning to quarterback the Minnesota Vikings. However, in a move that baffled everyone, Favre also announced that his first press conference of the year would only be open to a select few members of the RandBall community. On Aug. 25, the following press conference occurred:

/(Brett Favre steps up to the podium wearing a faded red tank top that has been cut at the waist to show off his abs, an absolutely filthy pair of jean shorts, cowboy boots, and a headband)/

Brett Favre: Before we get started, I just wanted to make a little statement. I’m here to announce that I will be returning as quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings. I thought long and hard about it during the off-season. And at one point about three days ago, I called up Coach Childress on the phone and I said to him that I don’t think I’m going to play this year. I’m just not sure the ankle’s ready. We talked about it for a while, and we talked about a lot of things, barbecue, tractors, the heat … Anyway, about three days ago I was pretty sure that I was going to hang them up for good. But then I looked into my grandson’s eyes. And the way that he was looking at me, it was just something special. I could tell that he was real excited about the prospect of seeing me play football again. So, about a day ago, after spending time with my grandson and the rest of my family, I decided to give it a go again. Any questions?

RandBall: Brett, that’s quite a story. But wouldn’t it just be easier to admit that you didn’t want to go to camp and your unique stature among NFL players meant that you didn’t have to?

BF: I can honestly say that I really didn’t know until I was sitting down with my grandson what I was going to do. It was really up in the air and I knew that I had to make a decision soon for the sake of the team. But I swear that I almost heard him mouth the words, “play football, grandpa,” and I knew right then I had to come back.

RandBall: Brett, your grandchild has to be way too young to be saying wor..

BF: Next question. Yes, you with the beard.

Fasolamatt: Brett, everybody knows that you were a hero in Green Bay for 16 years. And we’re all well aware that your parting with the Packers didn’t exactly go the way that you had hoped. But you were a superstar who did leave a community that loved you for your own personal reasons. Do you think that your situation was an example for LeBron James to rip the heart out of Cleveland through its [redacted]?

BF: Well, I can’t really speak to that. I don’t really know who LeBron James is. Does he play baseball or something? Anyway, all I know is that when I was having a conversation with my grandson he looked me straight in the eye and he said to me – and I’m quoting him verbatim – he said, “Grandpa, it sure would be nice to see you play football now that I’m a part of your life.” When your grandchild says something like that to you it really means a lot. That’s why I’m back to help the Vikings get to the Super Bowl.

RandBall: Brett, seriously, the kid is less than five months ol…

BF: You, do you have a question?

Clarence Swamptown: Yes, Brett, I do. Are you a John Deere man or do you prefer Caterpillar?

BF: You know, I don’t know why this is, but most people just assume that I’m a John Deere guy. I don’t know, maybe it’s because John Deeres are green and I wore the green and gold for so many years. But actually I’m a Caterpillar guy. Not that I have anything against John Deere. They’re a fine company. I just prefer Caterpillars. What can I say? /(small chuckle)/

Clarence Swamptown /(under his breath)/: You magnificent [redacted].

BF: How about you, guy who looks like Jared from Subway.

Stu: Thanks, Brett. Who’s more likely to pump you up on game day: Tegan and Sara or Arcade Fire?

BF/ (looking quizzical)/: Arcade what? Are you a pyromaniac? My grandson is too young to play with matches. But I’ll tell you what, when I read that long email that he wrote to me, asking me to play football again, I couldn’t help but get a little choked up. It was so meaningful. I took one look at it and I knew that I had to play football again. I’m really looking forward to putting on the pads and running out there again.

RandBall: Brett, you can’t be serious. The kid is an infant. He can’t read let alone ty…

BF: What about you, young man, do you have a question?

DaveMN: Yes I do. Brett, I know that this is kind of off-topic, but don’t you think the Twins really should have traded for a starting pitcher. I know Wilson Ramos was struggling in the minors, but he had to have been worth more than a reliever.

Jama: Ooh, Brett, this is off-topic too, but can you punch Lovie Smith for me? And also, I agree that the Twins should have gotten more for a player like Wilson Ramos.

DaveMN: I mean, I’ve been fairly impressed with Capps, but closers are overrated anyway and they could have used another arm to shore up the rotation.

Jama: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the Twins have to do something to shake up Baker and Slowey. Why does Gardenhire keep trotting them out there? And if I see Punto start another game I’m just going to…

DaveMN: I know! Hasn’t Punto gotten, like, two consecutive starts or something? It’s making it difficult to enjoy the seasonal ales at Town Hall.

Jama /(to DaveMN)/: What’s on tap there now? /(To Brett Favre) /Also, Brett, can you tell Jay Cutler to get a real haircut.

BF /(interrupting)/: Boy, you guys sure have a lot of comments to make. Any other questions? Yes, you in the back with the award winning moustache.

Rocket: Don’t you hate Stu?

BF: Is that the guy who likes to light arcades on fire? What does he have against video games? Anyway, I was really touched when my grandson set up a website asking me to play football again. When a family member reaches out to you like that …

RandBall: All right, this press conference is over.