The legions of annoying girls and women who have held "Mrs. Joe Mauer" signs at Target Field were struck a blow last weekend, as the Twins catcher announced his engagement to girlfriend Maddie Bisanz. We know plenty about Joe Mauer the baseball hero, but precious little about his abilities as a lover and companion. Using the only metrics available -- his baseball career/public persona -- here's a scouting report on Joe Mauer, the husband.
STRENGTHS
- Loyalty to his hometown suggests monogamy might just take.
- Aw-shucks earnestness and politeness will play great with the in-laws.
- Won the 2009 American League MVP Award. That's dinner-party banter that automatically makes you cooler than the other husbands.
- $184 million can buy plenty of wedded bliss. Or, at the very least, Jet-Skis.
- Can probably score a kick-ass deal on a minivan through his brother's Chevy dealership.
- Textbook swing could translate in other, sexier areas.
- When healthy, seems to be really good at stuff.
- Not Kris Humphries.
WEAKNESSES
- Fiancée might secretly think sideburns are lame. If it came down to his trademark 'burns or his lady, where would Mauer's true loyalties lie?
- Only hit .294 during his first full season in the majors -- a possible harbinger of a choppy first year of marriage.
- Propensity to miss games raises concerns over his ability to make PTA meetings, grandma visits and other domestic to-dos.
- It's no secret that chicks dig consistent power at the plate and base-stealing ability.
- Hasn't proven his knees can hold up over the course of a 50-year marriage.
- Bilateral emotional-availability weakness?
