Slapping a horse: Never a good idea

Another worrisome trend: Assaults on police horses are up. You ask: There are assaults on police horses?

Yes. High-spirited inebriates, looking for something new and stupid to do after leaving a bar, have apparently been slapping horses. Five "men" were recently jailed for assaulting police horses.

Police blame alcohol and heat, but there's a character issue here, as well. Take someone with good character, give him a beer or two, raise the temps 10 degrees and it's unlikely he'll stand up and shout, WHERE ARE THE HORSES? I NEED TO PUNCH SOME HORSES!

Some people are just low-down sidewinding varmints, to put things in horse-era lingo.

Horses serve a useful function in law enforcement, because the rider can reach down and clout you on the head. Horses also tend to move people along; horses do not react when you turn around and say, STOP SHOVING.

Horses are bad, however, at fundraising for police-oriented charities, which is why you never get a call from a telemarketer asking if you'd like to pledge CLOMP-CLOMP-CLOMP-CLOMP-CLOMP dollars or more. But in general, horses are awesome. They'd use them like drug-sniffing dogs, but they feel cramped in the back seat.

There's something about horses that gives any street an Old West vibe, too. You're no longer just walking along. The presence of a horse means you are moseying. The Old West was known for cowhands who'd come into Dodge and blow a month's wages on rotgut and fancy ladies, but even the drunkest trail hand knew better than to slap Marshal Dillon's steed.

Ha ha! I'm a biped! I evolved to move on two legs, leaving one limb free for drinking and another free for slapping horses! Loser! In ... your ... muzzle!

It's possible the miscreants interpreted the horse's patient stare as disrespect, and were thus compelled by their sense of manhood to show that chump Mr. Ed a lesson, but really. Slapping a horse with a policeman on top is like keying a cop car with the officer inside.

We should have more mounted police. Can't imagine they'd be good for high-speed chases; an officer would feel foolish putting a flashing light on his head and making a siren sound as he raced through intersections.

But for ordinary patrol? Sure. In the old movies police didn't just cruise around in cars, waiting for the dispatcher to say "One Adam 12, see the man" -- they walked a beat, especially if their name was Clancy and they had an Irish accent. They would twirl a baton, whistle, talk kindly to shopkeepers and mothers, accept apples from grocers and give stern lectures to little Billy when he was caught taking penny candy. They would patrol the parks, and if they came across a couple kissing on a park bench after dark, they would tap their foot and clear their throat; if they came across a drunk, they would bring the full weight of their social-worker training to the pitiful case and tell him to "move along."

Obviously, that wouldn't work here; we're not as dense as the big cities, and baton-twirling is no longer taught at police academies. But having lots of police on horses would work, and with PR benefits. No carbon footprint! Free composting material on the street! Something to make dogs say What the heck? Seriously? What is this, Jurassic Park? The alternative, after all, is cops on Segways, and these are useful only in making criminals stop and laugh. Cops on Segways are like "Star Wars" stormtroopers on tricycles.

It's like the Lone Ranger + technology. Hi-yo, Silver! Lean forward slightly!