• The Queen of the Lakes is sacrificed to the sharp-toothed King Muskie in Lake Harriet by a solemn group of civic leaders in robes that obscure their facial features, and give their muffled chants a chilling sense of implacable authority. Invitation only. This year the runner-up will also be sacrificed to see if King Muskie can do anything about those Northwest jobs moving to Atlanta. Can't hurt.
• Princess Kay of the Milky Way carved in a slab of congealed Spam; later, a ninja deftly shaves off the carpet of flies. A tradition since 1933.
• Cinderblock Boat Race: Lake Calhoun, noon.
• Lifeguard Resuscitation Technique Demonstration: Lake Calhoun. 12:05 p.m.
• Solar-powered Carbon Neutral Torchlight Parade: begins at sundown. Ends either at the end of the mall or the river; depends on how bright the moon is, and whether folks get turned around.
• Mosquito rodeo: Local experts bring down skeeters with dental-floss lassos. It's actually a modern dance performance, but who can tell?
• One of those annoying Vulcans from St. Paul's Winter Carnival is locked in a porta-potty full of dry ice and rolled down the street until he drops the whole "Vulcan" thing and shouts that he's a prosecuting attorney and he will sue you all: 11:45 PM, outside Lyle's on Hennepin. Wear black.
Remember: Wear your skipper pin; event officials will randomly select people with the pin and give them another skipper pin. Enjoy!