Sign of the times: Starbucks is not only closing 300 of its 4,304,868 locations -- including, perhaps, those Starbucks that were actually located inside another Starbucks -- but they're dropping decaf in the afternoon. You could say they're sending a message: Stay awake! We have an economy to revive! Understandable; historians now believe the Depression was prolonged by high taxes, protectionism and Sanka.
But Starbucks' reason was simple economics: No one's drinking enough decaf to justify keeping a pot on. They'd brew it, throw it away, brew more, throw it away. Which is what most of us do with decaf. Some people brew decaf just for the pleasure of pouring it down the drain.
I'd be happier if they'd come out against decaf on aesthetic grounds: "Frankly, we've realized it tastes like it was strained through the costume of an organ-grinder's monkey." I drink decaf when another cup of real jake would give me hummingbird-heart, but it's never the same. It's neutered coffee. It's lost its will to live.
Sensing an opportunity, however, Caribou decided to give away decaf Friday afternoon, starting at noon. I dropped in to see how it went.
12:00:01 p.m.: First two cups given away to a sweet old couple. Did they come for the free coffee? "Oh, my, yes," said the lady, eyes a-twinkle. They also had a fritter.
12:01-1:50 p.m.: A parade of people make requests that sound like a 1995 SNL skit: I'll have a half-caf skim, whey-free white mocha latte. Oh, just have a candy bar. One fellow orders the decaf, but he's already had so much coffee he's walking around like a giant pair of wind-up novelty teeth.
5 p.m.: Tried another Caribou. How's the giving-away business going? "Four cups in the last hour," said the barista. More than usual? "Sorta," if I can paraphrase.
And so it goes in the world of opportunistic niche-plugging. Caribou's old slogan: Life is short. Stay awake. New slogan: It's not that short. Take a nap.
