Prep, prep, hooray! Ralph Lauren at J.C. Penney?

Rick Nelson and Claude Peck dispense unasked-for advice about clothing, relationships, grooming and more.

CP: A dreary Friday in March. We are crossing acres of diagonal parking in our approach to the J.C. Penney store at Rosedale. Oh. M. G.

RN: I hear you. I'm trying to remember the last time I dropped a dime inside a Jacques Penney outlet. I think it was sometime in the late 1970s. Now I know why: Would you look at this place?

CP: It's positively bulging with merch. I love your observation: "There are like 5,000 women's purses here! Enough for five stores."

RN: Scary. Keep moving, and be on the lookout for American Living, Ralph Lauren's new exclusive-to-Penneys line. Do not pass St. John's Bay, do not collect $200. Oh, here it is.

CP: So that's why I'm being dragged to the 55113? To feed your obsession with the clothesmaker to the horsey set. How it must pain you to see his new line dragged downmarket. But cheer up: British hipster Mary Quant designed for Penneys in the 1960s.

RN: I had no idea. I love that. Remember back to the bad early '80s, when Halston sold his sterling name to the J.C. Penney devil and launched his affordable Halston III line? In that pre-Isaac Mizrahi-does-Target era, designers didn't cross department-store boundaries, and the move pretty much killed his business. But I think Ralph was smart to ink this deal.

RN: Which I loved so much that I snapped up one in blue --

CP: I've never bought a single Polo tog, and I don't intend to start now, even at these price points. Yowza, Penneys has his junk on sale already?

RN: Wait, weren't you the one who just said, "Good prices are sexy to me?" OK, instant markdowns are not an encouraging sign. But you know what? I'd totally buy this raincoat.

CP: The American Living TV spots, aired during the Oscars, were pretty great. They're using that Robert Plant/Alison Krauss downtempo song "Killing the Blues" along with images of small-town parades, hayrides, dune houses on Cape Cod, dogs being walked and guys walking shirtless. Thank you, Bruce Weber.

RN: Wow, Ralph went all out here. These polos must come in two dozen colors and patterns. Those flat-front khakis don't look half-bad. You should try on that black nylon bomber jacket; it's very you and, hello, it's only 70 bucks. Practically free.

RN: Claude, this is Ralph Lauren Inc. "Original" is not in its vocabulary. The fabrics feel OK, more Gap than Old Navy. Too bad this scary eagle-on-a-flag logo is plastered over almost everything. It reminds me of those stars-and-stripes lapel pins that politicians favor, only bigger and more obnoxious. Why ruin a perfectly good linen button-down with that tacky thing?

CP: I think the insignias are very patriotic.

RN: Wait, it's not on these great cotton dress shirts. If I can find my size, I'm buying one. Strike that. At $29.99, I'm gonna buy two. And how about these ties? Repps, paisleys, polka dots and solids, all very Brooks Brothers, and just $27.99. Way to go, JCP. Did you see the suits?

CP: At $209, on sale, for all-wool, they're not bad, but good luck finding one that fits. The sign says you can get pleated or flat-front pants, but at this location it's nothing but pleats. Is this one a 3/4-sleeve model?

RN: I know. This gray chalkstripe is allegedly a 44L, yet the sleeves don't even graze my wrist. P.S.: Would it kill them to install a few mirrors in this place?

RN: It's not like I wear Ralph 24/7.

CP: No. More like 8/6, though.

RN: But did you check out the A.L. sheets and towels? Fabulous. Even the heavy-duty A.L. shopping bag, which wisely skips the JCP name, is a winner. I predict boffo box office.

CP: Keep me posted. I need a pretzel from Auntie Annie's.

Click on W.G.'s weekly podcast at www.startribune.com/withering. E-mail W.G. at witheringglance@startribune.com.