Nick Coleman: Skip the Twin Cities branding; isn't Minnesota Nice enough?

We are going to be made into "brand ambassadors" for September's Republican National Convention. I don't know what a "brand ambassador" is, but it sounds painful. When cows become brand ambassadors, they sizzle.

But "brand ambassadors" for Minnesota is what a public relations cabal wants us to become so that we stay upbeat during the GOP convention while sections of the Twin Cities are roped off and protesters, anarchists, reporters and Republicans run amok on the streets.

It'll be like having the plague, but without most of the smell.

The PR types are calling this snappy new marketing campaign, "Minneapolis Saint Paul: More to Life!" That's the kind of clever slogan you get from the "partnership among business, community and civic leaders" that came up with it.

More to Life? More what?"

Maybe they mean more life, period. Minnesotans are known for longevity. But I've always believed we don't live longer. It just seems that way.

Come back and see us in February some time.

"Minneapolis Saint Paul: If You Want To See Where Minnesota Republicans Live, Forget Us And Visit A Suburb!"

The organizers of the campaign do deserve credit: They have boldly resolved decades of punctuation problems by eliminating the hyphen between our two cities and choosing to spell out "Saint" instead of abbreviating it.

Now, if they would just put the city that is the one named for a saint, happens to be the state capital and is the one in which the Republicans are actually meeting to nominate a candidate for president first.

"Saint Paul Minneapolis: Come And Set A Spell."

Oops, that slogan might be an awkward reminder of what happened the last time a wandering Republican, Larry Craig, came to town.

All I know is I am sending my loved ones to stay with relatives in the countryside for the duration. September around here will be no time for foolhardy bravery. Get out, if you can. Before you are "ignited."

Ignition is another threat from the planners of the "More to Life!" campaign. They say they will start "by igniting the pride among local residents."

Really? We local yokels need a marketing campaign to ignite our pride about living in Minnesota so we can present a cheery face to the nation?

Ignite this.

Minnesotans already are famous for our friendliness. If you want to see something ignite, go somewhere else. You want to be treated politely but left to do your own business as you see fit? Come here.

The press release announcing next week's unveiling of our snappy marketing campaign says that the campaign aims to "dispel myths" about Minnesota, such as the myth that it snows in August.

Not so fast with the facts, you snappy marketers: It does snow in Minnesota in August.

It has snowed in August (Aug. 31, 1949, Duluth) and it has snowed in September (Sept. 15, 1916, Saint Paul Minneapolis). In fact, it has snowed every month of the year except July, and I remember July Fourths when it felt as if it would snow. So bring warm clothes, Mr. and Mrs. Republican. And a deck of cards, in case you get snowed in and have to play cribbage. Oh, and another thing: Don't stick your tongue against a flagpole.

We will show you a good time, if you want one. And we will show you a good place to live, if we say so ourselves. And we do ... endlessly.

Otherwise, we'll leave you alone. Welcome, Republicans, to Saint Paul Minneapolis!

Oh, well. We have no idea what that means, but it must mean something. Maybe it is the new age "Skol!"

Now we're talking.

Skol! Let's drink to the GOP!

You buy.