NFL has it all, but wants more

Dear Santa:

I know you're busy and all, but below is a last-minute list I'd like to submit on behalf of the NFL.

Little Billy wants a new hoodie and the utter annihilation of all those who stand before him, starting with Big Tuna on Sunday. Big Tuna wants Little Billy's SuperFreaky toys. By Saturday night, if possible.

Little Jessica wants her boyfriend to play better.

Little Zygmunt wants Big Tuna's autograph, a lifetime field pass at Giants Stadium and a $1 billion stadium that's good for him. I mean good for the community. I always mess up that one.

Yours truly wants to know if it's possible for Little Deion to come with subtitles.

And, finally, Little Michael would like a get-out-of-jail-free card. Just like the one you gave Little O.J.

DAL -10 ½ at CAR: Cowboys by 3. Little T.O. wants Little Jessica to stop kissing Little Tony.

CLE -3 at CIN: Browns by 7. Little Romeo wants to tell the world to kiss his Big Behind.

GB -8½ at CHI: Packers by 14. Little Brett wants to play forever. And we say, "Why not?"

HOU +7 at IND: Colts by 3. Little Peyton wants to apologize to Little Brett for breaking all of his passing records in about six years.

KC +4 ½ at DET: Chiefs by 7. Little Matty Millen wants his Lions career-high seventh victory. And if that's not possible, Little Matty would like permission to continue being the NFL's version of Little Kevin McHale.

MIA +22 at NE: Patriots by 24. Little Cammy Cameron would like to know why Big Tuna had to sign this week, giving Little Billy even more reason to beat the daylights out of the Dolphins.

NYG -3 at BUF: Giants by 7. Little Eli wants to grow up and stop playing like Little Eli.

OAK +13 at JAC: Jaguars by 20. Little Mikey Tice would like to know how letting Dwight Smith play Sunday night fit into Little Zygmunt's "culture of accountability."

PHI +3 at NO: Saints by 7. Little Andy Reid would like to remember why Jeff Garcia ended up in Tampa and Donovan McNabb stayed behind in Philly, and not vice versa.

ATL +10 ½ at ARI: Cardinals by 14. Little Arthur Blank would like to explain his Big Tuna negotiations to Little Richie McKay: Little Michael's Big Contract = Strike One. Little Joey Harrington = Strike Two. Little Bobby Quitter = Steeeeee-RIKE three!

BAL off at SEA: Seahawks by 14. Little Brian Billick would like the, um, guts to go for it on fourth down and 18 inches from beating Little Cammy's 0-13 team.

NYJ +8 ½ at TEN: Titans by 10. Little Billy wants Little Eric Mangini to know the "J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets" really "S-T-I-N-K, Stink, Stink Stink!"

TB -6 at SF: Buccaneers by 10. Little Jeff Garcia wants a victory because he's part of the 49ers' rich QB lineage. You know. Legends of the game. Brodie, Montana, Young ... Shaun Hill.

DEN +8 ½ at SD: Chargers by 14. Little Norv wants to gift wrap the hot seat he was sitting on in September and October and send it back to Denver with Little Mikey Shanahan.