New food fare at the fair? Not so enticing

Now that the annual perambulate-and-masticate festival is underway at the fairgrounds, it's time to pay homage to the culinary inventiveness we see on many corners.

In the olden days, ethnic food consisted of The Mexican Hat, which used the common image of sweat-stained headgear to connote tasty goodness, and the Chun King joint, where various forms of celery-studded mush were served in air-conditioned comfort.

Now? Let's look at this year's new food:

Aussie Wombat Smoothies. The finest high-protein hand-trimmed wombat meat is blended with ice and soy milk for a refreshingly gamey slurry. Genuine Australian Salt is added. It's mar-soup-ial!

Deep-Fried Cigars on a stick. It's a plant, so technically, it's vegetarian.

Fist O' Bacon. In an era when all the old adult pleasures have been banished or marginalized by social disapproval, bacon is the last permissible sin. Hence, the Fist O' Bacon, a five-inch wad of bacon coated with batter. You're advised to smear it over your chest first, as the grease makes an excellent conductor for the defibrillator paddles. Clear!

Salamander Crunchies. The food with the stick built right in! (Actually, that's the tail.)

U-Catch-'Em-U-Eat-'Em Cougar Burgers. Medical technicians on staff.

Sweet Marty's Cookie-Dough Feed Bag. If you're tired of eating an entire pail of fresh cookies one at a time, the new Feed Bag straps over your head, and can be gently kneaded to produce a constant stream of raw dough for nonstop consumption. Available without chips in case you find that chewing slows down the pleasure.

There's more, of course -- Battered Onions have been upgraded to Beaten Within An Inch of Their Lives Onions -- but we'll let you discover the others for yourself.

See you at the fair!