Jackie Chan, he of lightning-fast reflexes, the action star of all action stars ... romantic lead? Nuh-uh, no way. Jackie Chan's not supposed to be wining and dining his lady friend and talking about marriage. He's supposed to be kicking butt!
Like it or not, Chan is getting older (he'll be 56 in April) and perhaps those new wrinkles have him considering his career options for when he can no longer throw a punch. So he's taken a cue from fellow action heroes like Vin Diesel (think: "The Pacifier") and signed on for a family film -- the lackluster, so-corny-it's-painful "The Spy Next Door."
What's more difficult: busting Russian villains or endearing your girlfriend's three rambunctious kids to you? For retired spy Bob Ho, it's clearly the latter. When Gillian (Amber Valetta) goes out of town, Bob volunteers to play Mr. Mom. He can save the world from the Russians, who are scheming to take over the oil industry in a ridiculous subplot involving a thousand silly stereotypes, but he can't make oatmeal.
"The Spy Next Door" is so hokey that I couldn't help but wonder if I was watching a campy sendup. It opens with "Secret Agent Man," for god's sake! Everyone, from Chan to supporting spy Billy Ray Cyrus to the big, bad Russians, seems to be reading their terrible lines from somewhere just off camera. The dialogue, particularly Cyrus' cringeworthy Kentucky-fried idioms, is stilted, colorless and boring, even by kids' movie standards. Every Hallmark-wholesome "lesson" crammed into the movie, particularly those about the idea of family, just makes you squirm.
Although Chan is no stranger to comedy, it's clear that he's grasping at straws with this pallid cornball. He's the only one, besides Will Shadley as Gillian's dorky son, Ian, who really, visibly tries to make "The Spy Next Door" less of a disaster. But pitting a big, strong man against wily, sugar-fueled children is a plot line that's been done to death, and "The Spy" does nothing to revitalize it.
