The world was absolutely stunned this week when it learned that a good-looking, well-built, professional athlete cheated on his wife, smashed his Cadillac Escalade into a tree, met with the cops and then whined about a lack of privacy from inside his gated- community mansion paid for by his public persona.
Hey, when did Tiger Woods join the NFL?
Just kidding. But I did hear NFL Commish Roger Goodell's initial reaction was to suspend Tiger for four games for conduct detrimental to, well, everybody.
Poor Tiger. If only he had asked for some advice, here's what I could have offered him and others from years of following the basic trends of professional athletes, their significant others and an adoring and severely naive public:
No. 1: Advice for all professional athletes, except sumo wrestlers: If your face doesn't scare children and small animals, do not get married. Like I always say, why buy the cow when you can get the milk without a 6-iron upside the head?
No. 2: Advice for all pretty little women who insist on catching pretty professional athletes: The phrase "Until death do you part" really means "Until the first road game!" Deal with it, sister.
No. 3: Advice for the general public who hold professional athletes aloft in some fantasy world where they double as perfect role models: Just enjoy the games and raise your own darn kids.
Here's some more advice heading into Week 13 of the NFL season:
