Mark Benjamin: Slumdog opportunities

I paid the DMV for my car's vanity plate. But what if my vanity is voracious and I want a street named after me? If I'm the highest bidder, haven't I earned that right? And doesn't Mark Benjamin Boulevard roll off the tongue better than (I'm not making this up) Dysprosium Street?

Some of our pothole-prone roads are liable to make you lose your faith and fillings. Fortunately, NASA needs treacherous terrain like this to test planetary rovers. Why not lease our roads in the interest of space exploration? If robotic explorers endure here, they'll surely survive on a cratered alien landscape. Just make sure they wear blaze orange during deer-hunting season.

For a fee, I can cruise through the commuter crush in the diamond lane. But why limit such entitlements to roadways? Why not sell other premium government services like, say, fire and police protection? If I've paid for it and my cat's up a tree, shouldn't my 911 call trump that blind widow in cardiac arrest? Nothing's too good for Mr. Whiskers.

If our guv is going to spend TV time snarking at the Legislature, can't he at least make us some money? Like maybe slip into a NASCAR one-piece festooned with corporate logos, quaff a clearly labeled cup of Coke and plug some product during his State of the State address?

Some say we cancel the Senate recount and flip a coin. Where's the do-re-mi in that? Why not parachute Al and Norm onto a desert island and run them through a series of humiliating contests, all on prime-time TV? We'll get huge Nielsens and, for the season finale, anyone can dial the 900 number (just $1.99 per vote!) as many times as they want. That's the free market at work, baby! The winner will take the Senate; the loser will take the gig at Mystic Lake, and the North Star State will take the millions.

Our crybaby Vikings want us to pay for a new football stadium. Say buh-bye to those losers and hello to our new Metrodome Marina. We fill it with seawater, stock it with marlin and sell tickets year-round to the world's largest indoor ocean fishing experience.

This is the kind of ganja gumption our economy needs. It's illegal to possess or sell marijuana, but not illegal to smoke it. Really. So our state creates municipal marijuana stores and sells the smoke. Customers walk in, pay for a hit and float out the door. The junk food and lava lamp industry will surge, and these Mary Munys will be a tourist attraction. Minnesota, Land of 10,000 Tokes!

Mark W. Benjamin, of Cambridge, Minn., is an attorney.