Lisa Lampanelli: Cruel to be kind

Lisa Lampanelli delivered the ultimate insult: She blew off our interview. That shouldn't be a surprise, since the 47-year-old comic has earned the title Queen of Mean with her steady stream of X-rated putdowns on Comedy Central's celebrity roasts and a national tour that comes Saturday to the Orpheum in Minneapolis.

Her reign will also include a tell-all autobiography, "Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat and Freaks," due in September, and a possible HBO series about the seedy side of comedy clubs, with Jim Carrey as executive producer.

Lampanelli called a day later with her own version of an apology.

Q You really slammed me yesterday by not calling in. What happened?

A I actually do that with every journalist so I can remind them who the boss is. Seriously, I am sorry. I just bought a place in New York, and it turns out to be the loudest apartment in the city. I couldn't sleep, so I checked into a hotel. I had them drywall my windows so I could at least sleep. I am back in the apartment now, although right now I'm in my car.

Q Please tell me you're not on a hand-held cell.

A Hell, yes. I'm a rulebreaker. Later today, I'm going to pull a tag off a pillow.

A Listen, I'm not going to take advice from some douchebag from the Star Tribune. I'd rather shoot myself in the face. I can tell we're going to have a good conversation.

Q So, you're coming to the land of Minnesota Nice. Do you adjust your act based on the region you're in?

A God, no. You're nothing special to me. I save myself for the real cities like New York or Los Angeles. Actually, your audiences are very cool, which is weird, because I usually hate your kind of town.

Q Too small?

A I love everybody. I just hate the Midwest in the winter, although I'm coming in May, right? Last time I was there was in March, and I wanted to kill myself.

A Oh, right. All I do is sleep all day! I don't prepare material for "The Tonight Show," I don't practice for the roasts, I don't do any writing. All I do is work for an hour a day. I'm like A-Rod. You jerk.

Q Speaking of Jay Leno, he's called you the edgiest guest he's ever had. What are you doing?

A I don't know. I'm just being myself. I've done Jay seven times and they don't get mad at me. I can't believe it. I believe that Jay has a secret dirty side, so I can push it and get bleeped and he can pretend to be disturbed.

Q You really rose to prominence through the Comedy Central roasts. Any of the celebrities get ticked off?

A The only one I know is the first one I did, Chevy Chase. I was told that was the worst day of his life. Waaaaah.

A With women, they always insult you for being ugly, fat, a whore, unfunny or stupid. There are no other categories. OK, I'm fat, ugly and I've [been with] a lot of black guys. What am I going to do? Cry at my shrink's office the next day?

Q There used to be a stereotype that women aren't funny. Are we finally over that?

A Are you kidding? Women are never funny. Name five that you would see rather than get punched in the [crotch].

Q Umm ... Sarah Silverman ... you ...

A See, if it was guys, you wouldn't have to think that hard. There are a billion guys I'd see right now. Women have dumb stories, with no punch lines. Guys don't want to hear some whiny bitch talk about her period or going shopping. You have to do comedy like a guy.

A He has to be a very good listener, or at least pretend to be listening and nod a lot. Comics are so self-absorbed. When I'm dating, I don't want to hear about the other person. What are they going to do that's more interesting than my life? Men's jobs are never as good as mine, and their attitude is way too happy. I'd like them to be superhot, but I'd rather have a cripple in a wheelchair than a hot guy that won't listen to me.

Q Do you have a guy in every port?

A I wish. I did have a nice one in Minneapolis. He was a fireman. I didn't do him, but I made out with him, which was great. He angered me, though. He didn't call when he said he would. That really ticks me off.

Q You mean, like you did to me?

A Look, I'm a big celebrity. You're some douchebag in Minneapolis.