Let’s just admit the obvious and rename the month Halloween. Apparently, now the entirety of October is given over to orange and black.
Soon enough we’ll see surveys about each state’s favorite candy, and Minnesota will have something that makes us arch a collective eyebrow. You know, “bags of grape salad” or “pan-seared choco-lutefisk” or something else that bears no relation to our actual lives.
I think the people in New York who make these lists fabricate the results because they think we’ll never find out. They think we get news off the internet only when someone in Chicago prints it out and hands it to the Conestoga wagon team that pulls into town Saturday night.
For example: A 2015 survey said our favorite Halloween candy was the Tootsie Pop. How did they decide this? The world may never know. Everyone here is well aware that Tootsie Pops are what moms toss out the third week of November.
We’re still a fortnight away from that ridiculous story that gets our state all wrong, so let’s go to a current story that gets our state all wrong. This time it’s “Favorite Movie Candy, by State,” and it was put out by the Twitter feed for some internet sports site run by folks who probably will raise more money from their candy company advertisers than we’ll ever see in a lifetime and then blow through it in six months.
It’s not the most rigorously edited thing; the map says Missouri prefers “Sour Path [sic] Kids,” which makes you think of a gummi candy in the shape of children disgruntled by their life choices.
Louisiana likes “Pixy Stix,” which is misspelled; in Louisiana, it’s Pixy Stiqs. (Kidding. Pixy.) Supposedly the Utah fave is Necco wafers, because nothing accents a blockbuster like cracking a tooth on a slightly dusty pastel poker chip.
North Dakota’s pick? “Baked Beans.” I think they mean the Boston Baked Beans candy, because my Fargo childhood did not involve pouring a can of beans into a plastic pocket Mom sewed in my jacket.
OK, but what’s our fave, according to this excruciatingly scientific survey?
“Oh, that rings true,” you say. Every time you go to the snack counter, the clerk puts out an Almond Joy and says, “This being the Gopher State, I feel confident in making this assumption. That will be $9.”
I’d write this off to typical survey malfeasance, but then my eye moves to the announcement of the Wisconsin favorite: Kraft cheese slices.
Sounds about right, doesn’t it? You can imagine our eastern cousins buying a stack of slippery squares, unwrapping them with care during the previews, perhaps rolling them into cylinders and enjoying the mild tang of something that could also be described as “al dente wallpaper.”
So maybe Almond Joy is correct. Maybe we do give out Tootsie Pops at Halloween. Maybe we do like grape salad. And maybe the reason we think all of these surveys are wrong is because we’re in denial about who we are.
Or maybe it’s nonsense and we should stop paying attention to silly surveys put out by companies that are just trying to get us to mention their name, like the company that did this one. It’s ...
Oh, look at that. I’m out of space.